


Reflected Soul

by Foxygreen



Category: Actor RPF, Freebatch-Fandom, Sherlock (TV) RPF
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2019-07-28 14:06:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16243184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foxygreen/pseuds/Foxygreen
Summary: “No. Don’t be silly. What is that supposed to mean?” Ben knew exactly what Martin meant but couldn’t say it out loud. Not to him. Not to make it more awkward then it already was.“You know exactly what I mean.” He sank his eyes to the ground for a split second, an attempt to not be to obvious to open with his feelings. He wasn’t hurt by anything. Ben followed his gaze and tried to not be hit by the words too much and what lay behind them.“I…I don’t know what to say to be honest.” Martin laughed.“You don’t have to say anything mate. Really. Don’t worry about it.” Martin turned to leave while Benedict was at the verge of losing his last nerve. Martin was the best when it came to pushing his buttons.





	1. You don't have to explain

In all honesty. He probably has never been that drunk in his life before. Not that Benedict could remember. Especially not right now. The atmosphere was fantastic, the people were fantastic. Mostly because the majority of people were more family to him than just some random co-workers. He loved this show and this job and wanted to make the most out of this evening, like everyone. They all worked so hard to get to this point. Season three was finished, meaning the end of principle photography, and he just knew this could be potentially be the best work he’d ever do. That was his time and he should enjoy the moment as long as it would last.

“You've got no idea what just happened.” Louise came up to him, slightly already very tipsy and willing to share some gossip. The party was at its peak and all Benedict wanted to really do was get drunk and lay low. He worked too hard over the last couple of months. Star Trek, Sherlock, and bits and pieces in between. Too many projects he already signed on to do and his parents nagging him about starting a family, getting married. Benedict huffed. That was the last thing on his mind.  
“Spill Lou.” He nudged and took a big gulp of his beer.  
“Martin can juggle three bananas. It's really fascinating actually.” Benedict froze instantly by the mention of his name.  
“I mean. I had no idea that he would actually be here. But here he is with his juggling bananas.” Benedict had to laugh a bit at least by Lou’s sheer ridiculous enthusiasm about martins hidden talent. However, he and apparently most of the crew had no idea that he would actually be here. He was supposed to be on his next project shooting in Minnesota.  
“Sounds jaw-dropping. Where is he anyways?” Lous giggled.  
“Yeah, I know. He needs to show you that. He was just with Lucy at the bar a minute ago. Just look for the man with the slickest outfit in the room and you’ll find him.” Benedict kissed Lou on the cheek and made his way through the crowd. He had to giggle to himself, she was adorable when she was tipsy. Actually, Lou was always adorable. As soon as Benedict ushered through the crowd, he immediately thought what a bad idea it actually was to seek Martin out. Both have kept their much-needed distance so far, so to speak. It was definitely never uttered between the two why they grew more distant in the last couple of months as they seemed to be so close for the last few years, which was true. They were too close. Too comfortable, and Benedict seemed to find more and more a problem with that. So he decided for himself to build some space around him. Of course, never in a professional environment but in their free time it was best to not stretch whatever he was currently running away from. Martin didn’t seem to notice a thing and if he had, he didn’t voice it to Ben. He never did actually, that was just the way Martin was. Layed-back and easy to get on with. Benedict turned towards the Lobby passing the drunken crew members. The plan that Ben set for himself just didn’t seem to work out, because in reality, he couldn’t stay away from him. He didn't want to stay away from him, if he was completely honest with himself and why should he? They didn’t do anything wrong. So what issue did Benedict have then? The next Turn he took led up to the second Bar down the Floor and revealed a very giddy looking Martin Freeman, leaning at the Bar, Beer in his hand and in deep conversation with Lucy, one of the Ladies from the Costume Department. She was one of the prettiest Ladies of the Crew, surely Ben would find Martin amongst beautiful women.

“Hi. There you are.” Ben interrupted the scene between Martin and Lucy. Martin turned towards the younger man and his eyes fixated him. Ben knew that look. It was a sign of surprise and confusion.  
“Hey. Here I am.” Martin responded with a light chuckle while Lucy greeted Ben with a warm hug.  
“Finally. Our two stars together. You know that this party is actually all about you two.” She was more than ecstatic and definitely not what Ben expected.  
“Us. No. It's about you guys, you do all the hard work. We basically just show up.” Ben replied while Martin still couldn’t take his eyes from Benedict. He was definitley not amused and sort of repelled by being interrupted in that way. That’s at least what Benedict saw in his eyes, because he stared back, both not really taking notice of Lucy's ramblings about how this party was awesome. Bens looked down on Martin as his eyes wandered over the smaller men's wardrobe. He was impeccably dressed as always. A grey three piece suit while everyone else looked like they just came from the pub. Benedict himself wore a Black shirt and trousers which definitely looked good on him but held nothing to what Martin was wearing.  
“ I should tell you guys. This night is going to be magical. I’ve never seen a more exceptional wrap party than this one.” Ben agreed it was exceptional but also unnerving. Martins look finally moved towards Lucy who was pretty busy fumbling all over Benedict. He looked down and seemed all of a sudden really agitated. Ben noticed immediately that something seemed off. He went from giddy to shitty in seconds. Some would say he was a fucking good actor.  
“ Lucy. Would you excuse us for a second.” Benedict turned towards Lucy who went on and on about how awesome this party seemed to be.  
“ Hm. Sure. Is everything ok.” She looked between Martin and Benedict who both seemed slightly weird and off. Lucy understood that her presence was no longer welcome.  
“Yes Sure. I just need to talk to Martin about something.” Ben explained and forced a smile. Lucy nodded slowly and made her way through the crowd. Martin sighed.  
“Now that was not at all weird.” He opened while Bens Hand pushed through his hair. A thing he always did when he started to get nervous.  
“Well. I just needed to talk to you for a second. “ Martin took a gulp out of his beer.  
“Shoot.” Ben took a pause before he continued.  
“Why are you here?” One for all, Martin definitely didn’t expect that question.  
“Ex,…Excuse me?” He replied before Benedict began to lean over the Bar, raising his hand in an attempt to try to get the Bartenders attention.  
“You heard me the first time. I thought you were supposed to fly to Minnesota for this new American show.” Martin frowned slightly. He noticed Bens weird behavior towards him lately but that just seemed to be straight out rude.  
“Now what. I can’t go to a party anymore without your approval.” Now Ben frowned.  
“No that's not what I meant. I was just wondering why…..” Martin interrupted him  
“Well stop wondering then. The schedule was moved a couple of weeks back, so I could stay for a little longer if you have to know. What’s the big deal? Now you cannot even accept being in the same room with me for more than ten minutes.” Martin huffed amused.  
“No. Don’t be silly. What is that supposed to mean?” Ben knew exactly what Martin meant but couldn’t say it out loud. Not to him. Not to make it more awkward than it already was.  
“You know exactly what I mean.” He sank his eyes to the ground for a split second, an attempt to not be too obvious to open with his feelings. He wasn’t hurt by anything. Ben followed his gaze and tried to not be hit by the words too much and what lay behind them.“I…I don’t know what to say, to be honest.” Martin laughed.  
“You don’t have to say anything mate. Really. Don’t worry about it.” Martin turned to leave while Benedict was at the verge of losing his last nerve. Martin was the best when it came to pushing his button.  
“No, wait.” He lost his nerve but Martin had enough long time ago. He was just fed up with Bens behavior towards him. When it was not about work, he treated him like a stranger lately. Just being professional, that was what Martin wanted too but there was so much more that was holding him back from completely treating him like any other co-worker. They have never been like that, this distant, that weird around each other.  
“What is it you want to say, Ben. Spit it out.” Martin grew more and more impatient. Ben felt his heart raising more and more. In what kind of situation did he get himself into.  
“ I know you think that I’ve been quite distant lately. I’ve just had a very busy couple of months and been quit all over the place. I didn’t do it on pupose it’s just that…” Martin interrupted.  
“Look, Ben. You don't have to explain yourself really. It’s none of my business really. You don’t owe me an explanation. We’re coworkers first and foremost and we don’t have to pretend we’re the best of friends just because we portray that on screen. I’m cool with us just being….” Ben’s eyes started to blink quicker.  
“Stop it. Stop saying that. I was an asshole the last couple of months. Just concentrating on my work, forgetting the people around me, the people most important to me, supporting, getting me where I am today.” He tried to keep his voice stable while Martin turned more towards him, really listening to what Ben had to say.  
“Right. I understand that you had a rough couple of months. Again, you don’t owe me an explanation, Ben. That’s the life of an actor. We both understand that, don’t we.” Ben nodded slowly and smiled.  
“I’m just very much in my own head right now. Season 3 ending, My parents pressuring me to get married, the press, the expectations. It’s just sometimes a bit hard to handle. And the last thing I intended to do was disgruntle the people that are most dear to me.” Ben paused, and Martin took a breath. He let his eyes wander over Bens figure. Sherlock was not the only one with deducing powers, also Martin picked up how agitated Ben was over this. Over their apparent fall out due to Bens dismissiveness.  
“You just don’t want to listen, do you. I appreciate it, really Ben, I do. But I’m ok. It’s not like we’re going to see each other on a regular basis anyway, at least for the time being, with the season being wrapped.” Martin said blunter than he intended to and Ben slowly losing his own paciens. He was standing here expressing himself, opening up about what was wrong between them for such a long time and Martin just putting him off like that. Was he really that careless?  
“Right. You don’t care whatsoever. It doesn’t matter.”  
Ben nodded more to himself as their eyes crossed. Why was it always so difficult between them? Couldn’t it be easier like with all his other friends?  
Friend? Ben had no idea if they could even call themselves that any longer.  
“It does. But You just can’t bring yourself to see the bigger picture here. There’s really no need for you to feel bad at all. I understand what you’re saying and your situation. Seriously Ben, You probably the biggest actor on the scene right now, you constantly monitored, so let me cut you some slack. There’s really no reason for you to apologize. I was not offended in any way. Of course, I enjoyed our time during the last two seasons and I thought we were friends. I still think we are. So stop explaining yourself and getting all tongue twisted.” Martin smiled and pat Ben on the back, which was sobering for Ben. He didn’t expect Martin being so casual about the whole thing while Ben really struggled over the last couple of months to define what they were. He felt foolish really to be so ready to open up to Martin while Martin was his usual chipper self, brushing anything off that could go more into the profound and uncomfortable. Ben looked down and back up, while Martins' eyes followed his every move.  
“Absolutely. Ok. I get what you mean and I agree. We’re friends.” Martin smiled back.  
“We are.” Ben sigh was long and lasting and both were deciding that the ground became more and more interesting.


	2. That's more like it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That’s more like it,” Ben whispered between his teeth while Martin closed his eyes to swallow down the burning liquor. It was good tequila though. The crew cheered on in satisfaction, having a ball while Martin not even flinched or coughed at finishing his forth shot. Four shots he probably would regret, that he seemed certain of.

“Ben, Martin, I don’t want to interrupt but everyone is waiting for you to toast and we have a couple of drinks for you to down. You know how adamant Steven can get with his traditions.” Well, there they had it. The traditional "drinking to oblivion wrap party ritual". Martin had a couple of drinks already but he seemed sober and regardless of drinks pretty ready to make a long night out of it. On the other hand, there was Benedict who despite the amazing company couldn’t get himself to feel any kind of excitement for this farewell party after that conversation he just had with Martin.  
“Fine. What horrors have you prepared for us Charles, and where is Louise.” Ben looked between the shorter men and the first Ad. Martin seemed to look for Louise as she seemed to be very amused just minutes ago over Martins juggling talents. Overall, they seemed to be very close lately. That’s at least what Ben picked up on and he wondered why.  
“Don’t know exactly. Just saw her chatting to Rupert a minute ago.” Charles answered while giving the Bartender a sign to lay out the drinks.  
“You know Ben and I won’t be able to drink a lot. We have to be fresh in the morning for meeting” Martin tried to warn while a circle of crew members built around the three men at the bar awaiting the traditional drink-up from the lead cast.  
“Tradition mate. Tradition defines us.” He just uttered while the Bartender already laid the shot glasses out. Ben was fixed on Martins reaction and if they really should drink the amount of alcohol that was presented in front of them?

Martin looked back at him and his stomach turned all of a sudden. Should he really be that carefree and down for shots in row?  
Tequila shots! It would not end well. That's what he kept telling himself.  
“Nice touch guys, but I think I speak for Ben as well that sometimes traditions have to be broken in order to not die from alcohol poising.” Charles rolled his eyes and the crew cheered on nevermind Martins rejection. Martin sighed and turned to Ben who all of a sudden had a glow in his eyes and his face oozed with determination.  
“Speak for yourself mate.” He said bluntly before he started to down the four glasses one by one earning a gleeful cheer from the crew for each shot. Ben smashed the last one on the table with ease while he tried to compose himself on the bar top. The liquor went down his throat smoothly and gave him the determination that he needed to not agree with everything Martin said. Martin, who just seemed utterly perfect most of the time. So utterly together. He coughed once and then pulled himself together daring to cross Martins incredulous glare.  
“Your Turn.” He smiled at him almost sheepishly while Martin frowned his brow and crossed his arms in front of his chest.  
“You going to regret this tomorrow morning.” He didn't know at that point how long this one remark will haunt him.  
“I’ve got things to do tomorrow, leds” Charles grabbed him by the shoulder.  
“No worries mate. Ben showed you how it's done and you don’t want to compete with him. It's understandable. Nobody would want to compete with the star of the show.” Martin gave him a weak smile.  
“Nice try, Charles. You clearly try to rile me up so I will down those shots” He held Charles's stare for a while.  
“Is it working?”. He asked and Martin had to look down for a second. It did. If he was completely honest with himself then Charles had a point. Ben was the one who started it and it was his duty now to end it. He looked back at Ben who stood there, his eyes focused on Martin like they were the only two people in the room. He always looked at him as if they were the only people in the room, Martin noticed. Martin nodded more to himself while he took a quick moment and with one movement grabbed the first shot and started to down the drinks one after the other.  
“That’s more like it,” Ben whispered between his teeth while Martin closed his eyes to devour the liquor. It was good tequila though. The crew cheered on in satisfaction having a ball while Martin not even flinched or coughed at finishing the four shots. Four shots he probably would regret, that he was sure of.  
“ Right guys. You got what you wanted. I hope there are no other horrors prepared for tonight, otherwise, I’ll call it a night as soon as possible.” Charles wrapped one arm around Martin and smiled at the two actors.  
“You never know boys. This wrap party is already one of the best I’ve ever been on. See what the night brings. Bottoms up guys, and congrats to one successful shot round.” Charles seemed more hyper and enthusiastic than anyone else on the crew.  
“Cheers. You are the best first AD, Sherlock has ever had.” Ben winked and smiled widely at Charles who gave him a cheerful man hug as a response. Martin could immediately see that the shots and the drinks he had before were definitely effecting Benedict more than it did him. He saw the sway in his movements and the glazing eyes. Ben was positively drunk so was Charles.  
“Same here man. Best Actor I’ve ever worked with, and obviously you as well Martin. Both of you, in fact. You are amazing individually, but together you’re on fire.” He cheered again while wrapping both arms around Martin and Ben, while the crew was cheering them on. It could not have been a more perfect time for a speech from either of them if there weren’t too intoxicated to think about it. 

Charles went on his merry way into the crowd dancing the night away, while Martin and Ben were still standing right at the Bar, observing the dance floor and avoiding eye contact. It was awkward by the second. Martin could feel the Tequila going to his head. He felt the dizzying feeling and his vision blurring.  
“Well, I think I should call it a night.” He blurted out trying to escape the awkward silence.  
“Already. You just downed four shots in a row.” Ben remarked and swayed one hand through those glorious black Sherlock curls.  
“That’s exactly why I should call it a night rather than waiting for my vision to completely blurred out. I feel myself getting more drunk by the second.” He started to giggle lightly while Ben joined in and pat Martin on his back.  
“Come on. You can’t leave me here all by myself to deal with this crowd.” Martin cleared his throat. A habit.  
“You hardly by yourself. And whenever did you have a problem of being the center of attention.” Ben smile didn’t fade.  
“fair enough. But at least have one go at the dancefloor before you leave. It looks quite fun out there, don’t you think. And you’re famous for your dance moves, aren’t you? I don't want to be responsible for scaring you away before midnight.” He chuckled and let his eyes roam around the crowd.  
“Get over yourself. You didn’t scare me away. You never could.” That grabbed Bens attention again and in his drunken state, he closed a little in on Martin.  
“Really. Not even if I ask you for a dance.” He giggled and held out his hand which was greeted with a loud laughter from Martin. Benedict was definitely positively drunk.  
“Oh god. You really want to see me dance, do you?” Ben nodded enthusiastically.  
“Absolutely. That’s why I’m here.” Martin caught himself smiling, his stare transfixed on Benedict. Fucking hell. Did they flirt with each other? Or was that just two mates talking to one another? A simple banter? He wasn’t really sure anymore.  
“Really. I’m not so sure about that.” Benedict chuckled to himself while his eyes glazed over to the dancefloor.  
“Come on. Don't hold back. You know you want to get into this crowd and show your moves off.” Martin bit his lip and slowly looked over to the wild crowd. Why was he hesitating again? The prospect of dancing with Ben, being exposed like that. He never had any trouble dancing in front of people or making a fool out of himself. Hell, he was an actor for Crist sakes. He knew what he was doing. Why was he hesitating then?  
“I do.” He said without really realizing he said it out loud. Ben grinned took Martin by the hand and all of a sudden, He was pushed or rather dragged into the crowd by his Costar. “Well then lets.” Martin was struck by the music an all of a sudden, he could feel himself loosen up again, as the warm hand in his guided him further into the crowd.


	3. Don't be shy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You can do better than that, Freeman. Come on, Don’t be shy.”

He looked around him, recognized the faces of his crew members but didn't really take anything in except the music and the warm hand that was attached to him. All of a sudden they stopped and Martin felt hotter by the minute, trying desperately to act normal, as nothing really could influence him. Ben began to start dancing to the music which Martin could make out as some song from Santana, well basically he recognized the famous string guitar tune. He swayed his head to the music as he looked Ben up and down.

“You can do better than that, Freeman. Come on, Don’t be shy.” He spurred. Wow. Martin couldn’t really believe what was happening around him. But here he was, dancing with Ben, surrounded by his fondest crew members on the best job he ever got. His mind was for a second on Amanda, his wife, and his kids before the rhythm took him completely and he started to loosen up, dancing to Sanatanas beautiful guitar string. Meanwhile Ben never felt so drunk in his life while he danced frantically to the music, dancing with some of the crew members but never really leaving Martins side. He had to admit, it was thrilling to see him dance and to be so close to him. He had no idea why those thoughts entered his mind just now but he really enjoyed himself, he figured, exactly because of Martin. It was so enjoyable. His vision was hasted and he lost all logical sense of what was actually going on around them. Charles and the rest of the crew were really drunk to actually sense what was going on between the actors while Santana's song came finally to a close. Martin really tried to be sober but he couldn't help himself any longer while the proximity of Ben and the crew members around him shuffled him and Ben especially more and more together, so there was no space left between them really. All of a sudden Ben turned around in a swift motion and smiled brightly at Martin. 

“Enjoying yourself finally, I see.” Martin had no choice then to look up and in this close proximity, it was more and more intimidating to look in those light green eyes that seem to change color daily.   
“As a matter of fact, I do. You were right” His eyes were like magnets, transfixed on Martin.  
“I’m always right.” He low baritone voice nuzzled Martins ear as he felt two hands grabbing him from behind.  
“Never fail to dazzle us with your famous dance moves Mr. Freeman.” Lucy's voice was coming from the left while bens voice was coming from the right. Martin was ultimately drawn back from the daze that was Benedict Cumberbatch. His sheer drunkenness made him giddy smile at Lucy's compliment.   
“Thanks, Darling. I'm glad you like em. At least someone enjoys them a bit.” Ben looked at the two arms coming around Martins' waist and looking sternly at Lucy.   
“She’s not the only one.” Lucy looked at Ben with a great big smile as he tried to sound genuine and not simply saving sentences.   
“I know you do. You started the whole thing.” Lucy came around to them letting go of Martin while still dancing.  
“Thank god you did Ben. I wouldn't want to miss this for the world.” The drunker everybody was, the more the ships were fallen quickly and temptations were worn proudly on the chest. It was no secret amongst the crew that Miss Lucy always had a crush on Martin. Everyone knew that except Martin, who would still completely disregard that in his present drunken state. Ben, on the other hand, seemed more and more annoyed by her eagerness to get Martins attention.  
“You are most welcome Luc. I told him time again. A MARRIED man should always know how to dance and he’s definitely got the talent for it.” Just like that the word ‘married’ let Lucy stop in her tracks and turn her head towards Ben. She seemed dazed out by the alcohol but at the same time, she tried to catch what Ben was implying by that comment. Everyone knew that Martin was married, though it didn't stop anyone. Even when his wife was part of the cast. Martin totally oblivious on what was going on between Lucy and Ben continued to sway to the music without a care in the world. All he could feel was the rhythm, the alcohol and his need to take what he wanted. Just for one moment, he just wanted to forget about the restrictions, the rules and the responsibilities. He just wanted to be here in the present.  
“Well, he really doesn’t seem to care about that tonight. Who could blame him. It’s time to celebrate.” Lucy answered enthusiastically brushing Bens comment completely off and turning towards Martin again who still didn't really pay any attention to the two of them.   
“You mean his talent or his marriage,” Ben said cheekily. Lucy blinked and smiled wide at Ben.  
“Both, I think” He understood. Even in his drunken mind, he was sure Lucy couldn’t be so blunt as to try something on Martin tonight. Why would she and why should he care? He couldn’t for the life of him come up with an answer. Not now.   
“Well, He’s all yours darling.” Ben chuckled lightly while his eyes scanned Martin from head to toe. The smaller man was now really letting himself go, starting to sing loudly to the music, which was currently Justin Timberlake's “Rock your body”. Lucy winked at Ben and started to get closer to Martin joining in on the singing. Ben did kind of the same acknowledging the other crew members around him and letting his gaze fall. He swayed his head while he tried desperately to not let his eyes wander back to Martin. Meanwhile, Martin was unaware of Lucys plans as she slipped her hands around the blonde man and started to get closer to him as the music took them further into oblivion. Suddenly Louise approached the crowd with another beer in her hands. She swung next to Ben and glancing over swiftly to Martin and Lucy.  
“Hey, Darling. Finally you joined the dancefloor.” Ben looked over to her and smiled.   
“You bet love. Charles forced a row of shots down my throat.”  
“You had it coming. Martin actually owes me a dance. But as I can see he’s otherwise engaged.” Louise's eyes glanced over to Lucy and Martin. By this point, Lucy hung on martin while he still seemed very unaware of the situation. Ben had to chuckle to himself somehow. This got way to akward way to quickly. But he couldn't fathom anything as well. It was like his whole being was totally focused to dance and to react to any impule that was running through his body.  
“Lucy is certainly a woman on a mission tonight. You don’t want o to interfere, be assured.” Louise burst out into a loud laughter while she patted Ben on the back.   
“I certainly won’t. I hope Amanda is not getting any wind of this. Lucky for Lucy she aint hear and probably wont hear about this either, judging by the state of everyone's alcohol consumption.” Ben smiled again. He just couldn't wipe his smile off.   
“Right. Our lips are sealed.” And as Ben began to say that someone tipped him on the shoulder. The next thing he felt was a hand interlacing with his from behind and a voice right at his ear tingling his skin. His hair stood up immediately.   
“I need to get out of here. I can’t think straight any longer.” Martins voice sounded more like a whisper which was impossible through the loud music around them. Ben didn’t have time to turn and look him in the eyes as Martin hugged Lucy in a swift motion and releasing himself off her tight grip. Ben felt his absence immediately as he was turning around, looking at a distraught Lucy who was standing rather helplessly in the crowd. Making a move to follow him Ben was acting quickly and blocking her way.   
“I think he needs a timeout. Let's call it a night sweety.” Lucy didn't say anything to Ben. She just stared at him as he held out one hand trying to make clear to her not to follow Martin through the crowd. The second he did that, the next second He was making his way through the crowd himself. He wasn’t really sure where he was going, or who he was looking for but decided to let his body take the lead rather than his mind. As he got out of the crowd, looking back swiftly to see that no one was following him he turned the next corner next to the bar entrance as the music faded out into the Lobby.


	4. Do you know me at all?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first ten seconds, nothing happened, before Ben heard some footsteps coming over before the door was pulled open.

The wrap party was being held at a Hotel in the middle of nowhere somewhere in Bristol. At this point, Ben was turning the next corner that was leading him towards the lifts. He was rather standing helplessly and anxious in front of the clerk at the desk debating to ask for Martins room number. There was really nothing weird about it. He just wanted to check if his Costar was ok after leaving to abruptly.   
“Mhm,…excuse me. Could you tell me where Mr. Freeman is residing? I just want to check if I got the right room number.” The man behind the desk seemed a bit taken aback by the awkwardness of Benedict but didn’t mind it much attention.  
“Most certainly Mr. Cumberbatch. Mr. Freeman is staying at Suite 3 on the fourth floor.” He informed.  
“Thank you.” Ben made his way to the lifts and pressed up. He waited maybe 10 seconds until the elevator doors opened. As he pressed four he could feel his heart beat with every second faster. What the fuck was wrong with him. He was drunk, that was what was wrong. He thought by this point he would have sobered up. He really needed to get a grip. Martin has probably passed out on the bed by now. The lift arrived at the fourth floor letting Ben arrive at a long Hotel corridor with Suite 3 in the left corner of the Corridor. It was certainly beautiful here. They picked out the most isolated, but also the most expensive Hotel in Bristol. He felt himself walking towards Suite 3, still wondering what he was so anxious for. What did he really expect to happen? He exhaled strongly before knocking on the door.

For the first 10 seconds, nothing happened, before Ben heard some footsteps coming over before the door was pulled open. Before his eyes stood very worse for wear Martin. His hair a mess, his jacked and three-piece lost, as well as his tie. The only thing left on his torso was the white shirt that hung open and the grey trousers that fitted him like a glove. Ben couldn't help himself while staring Martin up and down. How could a man look even better and more infatuating when his perfectly tailored suit was unbuttoned and messed up to a tea. What was this mystery with Martin and his clothes? Did this man look good in anything? While thinking about that, Ben realized he paid no attention to the man that was standing in front of him with a wide drunken grin.  
“Hey, darling. My eyes are up here.” Martin pointed to his face while he was holding out the door for him.  
“Come on in. I assume you wanted to check up on me. I can assure you, I am sobering up…..Well, or at least trying to.” He babbled while turning around and walking back into his room. Ben was more than flabbergasted but followed the blonde man into his room and closing the door after him.   
“I’m sorry Martin for barging in and following you up here. I was just a bit taken aback by your sudden departure. You seemed like you had a lot of fun down there.” Ben tried to get a hold of himself while Martin was picking up his drink again, which looked like whiskey on the rocks and letting himself fall on one of the big couches. Ben stood a bit awkwardly in the room.  
“I did. Maybe a bit too much. Nevermind,….just take a seat will you.” Ben was sitting down on one of the couches opposite trying his best to act as normal as possible, trying not to pay any attention to the open white shirt attached to this incredibly good looking man.   
“You can rejoin anytime. Lucy seemed quite upset.” Martin smiled and let out a huffed tone.  
“Well. Let's wait until she's sober, see if I still appeal to her then. You want a drink?” Ben frowned by this comment but nodded his head lightly. On this note, Martin went up to the minibar next to the King size bed and started to prepare some drinks.   
“So you think she’s just interested because she’s drunk. I have to give it to you straight my friend. She had a crush on you since the very beginning. I don't know if you noticed, but the whole crew knows.” Martin hooked his shoulders and then handing Ben his drink on the way back to the couch.  
“Whatever. Never get involved with your Coworkers.” At this point, Ben didn't know that Martin was just making a statement or saying it more to himself. He took a sip of his whiskey. Why were they continuing to drink? Noone really knew.  
“ Very true. Never a good idea.” Ben said and seemed to get Martins attention immediately.  
“Why. Any experience in that department. I could need some advice.” Ben frowned again confused. Was he always that cryptic or just trying to be confusing.   
“No, fortunately not. I never went there. Work was always Work. Never mix business with pleasure." He took a pause, contemplating.   
"Why. Why do you need advice? Are you interested in Lucy and just don't want to act on it for that reason.” Martin chuckled again and emptied his glass.   
“No mate. Not exactly.” Ben rolled his eyes. This seemed to go nowhere.  
“You are very cryptic tonight. But if you want to talk about it. I am here.” Martin smiled. A genuine smile. Ben could feel that. The way he received the smiles, he could tell that Martin was genuine while being covered in his typical sarcastic and sharp humor.   
“Well. What can I say? I am drunk.”   
“And you’re still drinking.” Martin brushed his hand through his growing blonde greyish hair.   
“I am. Helps me forget. And really nice of you to try to help out. But in this case, I think you’re the last person I should talk about this.” Ben seemed immediately curious and he also felt a sharp pain in his chest. Not physically but emotionally he could feel it.   
“Why. Because I acted so weird in the last few months. I really don't know how many times, I should apologize….” Martin interrupted him.  
“You shouldn't. That's exactly it. There's nothing you can be blamed for. I am the problem if we really want to talk about things frankly.” Ben was again taken aback and stood his glass on the table, going a bit forward on the couch and staring at the other man in front of him who looked more and more stressed out. Or nervous? Something in between.  
“What. What are you talking about? You’ve never done anything wrong,….I” He interrupted him again.  
“That’s exactly it. I never intervened or approached you because it was safer not to. It was safer for both of us.” Martin stood up from the couch walking across the room, Bens eyes following his every move.  
“I don't get it. Is that the alcohol talking or are you just messing with me.” Martin turned around.  
“Yeah. Exactly. I am just saying that to mess with you.” He said in his sarcastic tone.   
“Well. I don't know. You are always so chilled about everything, seeing it kind of strikes me when you talk about being the problem. For the last couple of months, I was the problem with us not talking and everything….” Martin again. Feeling eager.  
“Why then? Why weren’t you talking to me? What was your actual problem? And don't give me this shit about not being able to handle the press or your parents or some other shit you can come up with. Tell me the fucking truth.” Martins' voice raised and Ben looked up in absolute shock and surprise. He stood up slowly from the couch. Martin taking a couple of steps towards Benedict.  
“Tell me, Ben. What is actually going on in this brilliant mind of yours that is so eager to lock me out when its convenient for you.” Ben was in an instant as sober as he can get.  
“So you were offended by it. It did actually bother you that we grew apart, that we didn't talk.” Martin was quickly looking down towards the floor before looking up again, about to answer before Ben cut him.  
“ And don't you dare give me that shit about not caring again. I can see it as clearly in your eyes and how you talk. You were affected by it as much as I was affected by it.” Martin tried to hold the eye contact but it got more unbearable by the second.  
“I was. That's the problem. As much as I try to hide it.” Ben nodded more to himself again. Martin stood in front of him, more gorgeous than ever. He looked vulnerable and Ben never saw him so raw and pure when they weren’t pretending when they weren’t acting for living.   
“Then tell me. What is our actual problem.” Ben threw it out in the open with no fear. Martin admired that but at the same time, he couldn't do the same. As they stood closer to each other Bens hand began to search for Martins for support. He needed some sort of physical assurance.   
“Ben. I can’t” he blurted out more in a whisper then he actually intended as Bens eyes found Martins fallen gaze and both of them moved closer and closer together as Bens' hand finally interlaced with Martins again.   
“You cant what.” He asked carelessly as they weren’t doing something that seemed foreign to them. Foreign but comfortable.  
“This. Being so close to you.” Martins whole body seemed to tense up as Bens other hand steadied on Martins hip, bringing them ever closer together so that Martin could feel Bens breathe on his face. On his lips.   
“That’s the problem, isn’t it. The thing that you and I can’t figure out this whole time. The thing that made me avoid you for so many months because I realized what I want.” Martin shook his head hopelessly.  
“Please don't say it. As long as it is not uttered between the two of us, it's not real. As long as you don't voice it, I can continue being ignorant about this and carry on with my life as this night never happened. As long as you don't say it, I can not forget that I am married with two children and that I am a straight man. Please just don't say it, Ben” Ben exhaled nervously.  
“Ok then. If you don't want me to say it, then tell me to stop right now. Tell me to stop touching you.” Bens leaned towards his ear.   
“Say it and I stop all of this immediately.”   
Martin was paralyzed. He couldn’t really do anything, say anything at that moment with Bens voice at his ear, breathing down his neck. He wanted him to stop, to forget that this was actually happening, that they were supposed to be drunk and celebrating. Martins' heart was beating at a rapid rate, while Ben was looking down on his neck. He couldn’t really believe what was happening. Martin seemed so lost, so confused and quite at Bens mercy and Ben couldn’t fathom how that happened.   
“ Say it please.” Bens voice came in whispers and send several shivers down Martin's spine by now.   
“I am not gay. Never was.” Martins' voice broke. He could feel the lump in his throat as he said it while feeling Bens Nose along his neckline. He should surrender to this feeling, why couldn't he just let go. It was so obvious. They both were drawn to each other like magnets. Always were.   
“Neither am I” came the baritone voice and Martins' hand came up to Bens head which was nestled at his neck. His hand shot through those delicious dark curls. Those curls he always admired. Those curls that belong to ben as much as it belonged to Sherlock. With one swift movement, he grabs a full of them locks and pulled Bens head back from his neck. His face was flushed, his black locks hanging in all directions, his piercing eyes looking back into Martins terrified ones. He waited for Martin to say something but nothing was said. By either of them. They just kept staring at each other as Martins' head released Bens black curls and his eyes shifted towards something else.   
“Its not real. Nothing will ever be. Not tonight, not ever.” Ben nodded helplessly and in a way disappointed.  
“Yeah. You're not even able to say it. I’m definitely not going to, so I guess we’re done for good.” Ben brushed it off and turned his back to go. Martin was having none of that.  
“Did you just hear what I said. I’m trying to do right by both of us and you being belligerent. Really. Is that’s how it's going to be from now on?” Ben chuckled sarcastically.  
“Not that anything has been so different for the last couple of months….” Martin tried to avoid his eyes.  
“I mean let's be serious here…I wasn't really the most cuddly person lately and you’re not really emotional period. So lets cut the crap and go back to ignoring each other,…apparently this will save us a lot of trouble.” Ben turned again and was about to walk down to the exit while Martin was grabbing him by his arm.   
“Seriously, Ben. That’s really what you want. We simply just can’t be friends. Just friends. Without the whole drama attached to it. Do you really want that to change everything. Are you really that resentful.” Ben shook his head lightly. Well, more to himself anyways.  
“You don't get it, do you. Even after everything. Even after what just happened, you still don't get it.” Martin squinted his eyes in confusion as Ben seemed more and more frustrated with the situation they found themselves in.   
“What.”  
“We were never friends Martin! We never were. We were anything but, to be honest, looking back on it now.” Martins' eyes started to water. He didn't realize it but that was his body's first reaction. The alcohol, the dance, everything that has happened in the last hour was just too much to take in.   
“Looking back on it now. I think We both were doomed since we first met at the read through. You don't want me to say it, and I respect why. Even more, I can understand why, but that's not going to change our situation for the better.” Martin brushed his hands over his face in equal frustration and to get rid of his watery eyes.   
“Really. And that’s how you deal with it then. You think acting on anything right now will change that. If we’re not friends, we’re nothing. We never have been then. It was all just pretending.” Ben nodded lightly. As he became a bit calmer, trying to collect his thoughts, Martin became more furious.  
“Yeah maybe. Maybe its meant to be like that. I mean being frank about it, you are a married man. You’ve got responsibilities, and things you want and none of those things involve me. None of them.” Ben opened up more and more. Martin seemed overwhelmed by his bluntness and his honesty. It really got harder and harder to listen to. His hand was still steaded fast around Benedict's arm who’s eyes were never leaving his.   
“Sorry, Ben. But I can’t….” Benedict pulled his arm back in a forceful gesture.   
“I know you can’t. you already told me. And it’s really not about that. What you can and can’t do. It’s us respecting the situation and trying to maintain professional around each other. I don't want Sherlock to get influenced by us not being on good terms. I mean,….for the both of us.” Martin huffed.  
“That’s your main concern. The show. The business.” Ben nodded lightly.   
“I have to protect myself so do you. I am the face of the show. Sherlock is what I will be known for forever.” Martins eyes glazed with full disappointment.  
“Right. Nothing is more important to you then your work. The fame.” Ben stepped closer and held his brow up, looking Martin straight in the eye.  
“I am famous all over the world. I can’t have you messing with that, you understand.” His voice sounded more serious than ever as Martin looked up in total disgust.   
“Wow. I never knew how arrogant and self-deprecated you really are Cumberbatch, and here I was almost….” Martin had to stop himself. He wouldn't give him any satisfaction at this point. This man didn't deserve anything from him.   
“You’re jealous. It's clear for everyone to see. You always were jealous of me.” Martin stepped back in laughter.   
“ok right. Now you really have lost it. Me jealous. Of you. For what on earth would I be jealous for? I was famous way before anyone knew who you were.” First punch. Ben took it. Trying to play his part well. He had to push him more.   
“It’s obvious. John is the sidekick and I am the star of the show. Everyone knows how much you hate that. The fact that you weren’t the preferred candidate for Watson. The fact that I get more attention. That everyone asks about me in your interviews but not the other way around. The fact that I am single and unattached and practically can live my life to the fullest while you are trapped in a loveless marriage with two kids who you never get to see while you’re wasting away in someone else's shadow. It must be hard to be feeling unworthy and not good enough while you have to live a lie and show everyone how straight you really are because you can’t and never will be able to go for the person you really want. Especially hard when that certain person is standing right infront you.” Martins tears were falling silently down his cheeks. Again he didn't notice that he started crying, but Bens face was so close now as he was coming onto him with all these nasty things that he was saying that he ended up with his back against the hotel wall, staring into those green eyes and letting his tears fall freely down his face. Benedict knew how to act, that was for sure, but it was never more difficult to do that infront of martin in that way. Obviously, everything he just said, were lies, except maybe the last part. But he had to be as cruel to him as possible, otherwise, Martin would never open up. He needed Martin to be completely honest with him. To tell him that he wanted him as much as he wanted Martin and that they were in this together. That somehow they would be able to deal with this. For Ben this whole evening made more and more clear to him that both of them had fallen in love with each other without really wanting to, they denied it for such a long time. Ben tried to avoid it as much as possible and trying to push Martin away. Ignorance bliss. Martin on the other hand was just oblivious to it and could never admit it, that's why he struggled now more than ever. He was still fighting it as much as possible. But he wouldn't be able to deny how much those words affected him. How Ben was hurting him in the cruelest of ways. And how he had to stare the truth in the eye.  
“You are the most devious, manipulating and arrogant person that I’ve ever met. How could you ever believe that I would want someone like you?” Martin wanted to punch him. He really wanted to but there was something holding him back.   
Ben grabbed Martins chin lightly, so those blue eyes could really look into his.  
“Because see how those words just affected you. You’re shaking with every fiber of your body. You want to punch me, yes, I can see it in your eyes, how angry you are. At the same time, I can see how painful it was to hear those words, so I must have some kind of an effect on you. It matters what I say. Am I right?” Martins breath was out of control. He was so angry and unhinged he slapped Bens hand from his chin and took him by his collar, turned him around in a swift motion and smashed him into the wall forcefully.   
“How dare you. How dare you to play with my feelings like that.” Ben grinned a bit. He got what he was looking for.   
“It did the trick, didn’t it. Everything I said was untrue but it affected you.”   
“What's with you and this trying to affect me. Whats that obsession about. You really stark on pissing me off tonight.”   
“No, I just want the truth.” He said bluntly as Martins' hands loosened around his collar.   
“I want to solve this problem. Our problem.” Martin let go of him, looked down to the ground for a second and then up again. He huffed a little smile.  
“You couldn't sound more like Sherlock, you know that.” Ben grinned lightly as well and all of a sudden the mood between them shifted again. It was light again.   
“Very true. I can’t help myself it seems. Method actor at my core.” Martin nodded lightly while brushing a hand over his face.   
“So what now, Sherlock. How do we solve this problem then.” Ben nodded as well and pushed himself a little off the wall while never leaving his eyes.  
“By naming it.” 

Martin knew that he wouldn't get away with it. They had to talk about this. Now. Intoxicated or not. There were just too many things unsaid that would kill them both if they wouldn't be able to talk about it. Martin exhaled again.   
“Right. Want do you expect me to say. That I don't know how I feel.”   
“Just be honest with me. Whatever it is.” He said bluntly and Martin tried again, getting more and more frustrated with himself.   
“ Truth is I don't know how I feel. Honestly. I don't know how I feel about you,…because the minute I think about you, I realize how it would mess my life up.” He said honestly while Bens' head dropped a little. He was completely right.   
“I agree. It would mess up everything. For the both of us. But that was not the question.” He did drop his head a little and realized that this conversation was going nowhere. It was a one-way street and he felt foolish all of a sudden to confront Martin with this. He realized that he was on his own here, confessing things, opening up his feeling because he realised how he felt for Martin and what had really bothered him these last couple of weeks. However, just because he had realized it, didn’t mean that Martin was anywhere near that realization or he was not ready to confront it.   
“You know what. I’m sorry. This is stupid and completely unfair to get you to talk about things that you are clearly not ready to share with me. So I want to cut this short by saying that I’m sorry for my behavior, for the whole evening, in fact, I am sorry that I came up here in the first place. I just realised that I am being very insensitive in not including how you must feel and I don't want this evening or my ramblings taint our already strained relationship. Please, forgive my behavior and please let's forget about the whole thing entirely and try to go back to the way things were.” Martin felt like he was in some weird movie, where the tones and situations changed every second. What was wrong with Ben. He went from zero to hundred constantly, leaving Martin in a constant state of uncertainty, confusion, and tension.   
“Hang on. Wait. What are you saying.” Ben sighed.   
“I made a mistake in coming up here. I don't want you to feel pressured or uncomfortable, and I feel this whole situation makes you uncomfortable. I don't want to put you through this and you’re technically right. Whatever we discuss and whatever happens it will just mess things up in the aftermath. You are a married man with beautiful children and you love Amanda. I know that. And I like and respect Amanda, I shouldn't be going after her man.” Martin just looked like Ben turned into an Alien.   
"So you really are interested in me.” Ben turned on him and could not believe it. Was Martin even listening to him the whole time.   
“I am not just interested in you. I fell in love with you and just didn’t want to admit it for a very long time.” For Martin, the whole room stopped at this moment. Whatever he was saying to Ben in the first placed about not uttering it, all this became irrelevant now, because he said those words that were putting Martin over the edge. How can he be so careless? How can he just say that to him like that without thinking about the repercussions of that? Ben couldn’t really look Martin in the eyes any longer the smaller man seemed half dazed and by that comment and Bens stepped a bit further away from him, trying to indicate that this conversation was edging to be over soon.  
“ Don’t turn your back on me after dropping that bombshell.”   
“What’s the point in staying.” Martin fumbled with his buttons on his white shirt and closed his eyes for a second. He opened them again.   
“You just told me you’re in love with me and then you want to leave. And I should do what. Just take it and act like everything is normal between us.” Ben shook his head.  
“I am not saying that. Nothing will ever be normal between us again anyways. But I'm just exhausted, Martin. I thought you would have figured it out by now judging by our the conversation we’re having for the last half an hour.”   
“Well good for you, but there was no word about falling in love. I thought this was just about sex, that something you might need to get out of your system or something but that changed everything.” Ben couldn't believe it.  
“Seriously. Do you know me at all? How was this ever about sex. If I want to get off with a dude I would have plenty other less destructive ways of getting that, I would definitely not pick my costar.” Martin said nothing, just let that process through his head. Ben was in love with him and that was hitting him right through the heart.   
“Don’t worry. You don't have to wreck your brain about it. I won’t be crying my eyes out if you think that and it won't but a strain on our working relationship either. I was In love with you without knowing for too long, I will get over this as well.” Martin did a double take.  
“Wow. Ok. I'm sorry. I can’t take this at all. You sound like you're in a business meeting. If you’re really honest with me and this is not another game that you're trying to play with me, then yes I see how this is a fucked up situation. I see how you would ignore me for several months to figure out why you can’t face me and know that you’ve figured it out, you want to run away again. Act as nothing has happened. Like this is no big deal. I was willing to sweep it under the rug as well because I thought this was about what you want. Whatever it is. Sex. Games and other stuff that people do to each other because they are attracted to each other. But now you’re being honest and saying you fell in love, that you actually fell in love…..” Martin had to stop himself. He found his heart beating faster by the second just thinking about those words and how they had affected him. He shook his head in disbelief.  
“How on earth did that happen. I mean,…I’m not you. Drop dead gorgeous, leading man.” Now Ben took a double take. Was Martin ever looking in the mirror. Could he not see that he was the most amazing man. Ben took a couple of steps closer to him.   
“ Really. That's what is going through in your head. How you can’t understand why I fell in love with you.” Ben huffed. Martin holds his breath. He was nervous. His pulse was racing.   
“Yes. God damn it. How exactly did that happen.” Ben ventured into the room again, the walking seemed to calm him down somehow from the tensions that were building around them.  
“Fishing for compliments my friend, aren’t we?” He walked down the to the tray at the minibar. Preparing himself a drink. He needed it to be honest. They were running around in circles for half an hour now with no clear outcome for both of them. He was exhausted at this point. He just confessed his feelings and Martin had to cheek to interrogate him about it.   
“You’re fixing yourself another drink, Really?” Martin looked incredulous.   
“At this point, I might go for another one. This conversation is exhausting. If you can’t handle the truth, I understand but to ask me why……I don't know why. Ok. It just happened. And trust me if I could change that, I would.” Ben took a big swing from his glass.  
“ I didn't mean it like that. It's just a lot to take in, you know. Since we know each other you always had several girlfriends or dates since Olivia so,….it comes as a surprise that you’re not only interested in men but that you fell in love with one.” Ben shook his head lightly.   
“That's not the case. I was never attracted to any guy before I met you, so its more about the person in this case then the gender. You’re incredible, even if you can’t really understand that, but you are.” Martin tried to compose himself. Benedict said it so nonchalant like it was just obvious for anyone to see.   
“ You too.” He answered and walked over to Benedict, took his glass out of his hands and took a big gulp himself.  
“Someones thirsty.”  
“Well, yes I need it. Some liquid courage.”   
“why” Martin put the glass back on the tray, turned towards the taller man, put both hands on either side of his face and pulled him down to meet his lips.


	5. All your fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Please. We’ve got no time for this. We either stick to the story or I will never forgive you.” He made clear and waited for Ben to make his decision.

Benedict was so surprised for the first moment he wasn’t able to react at all. His eyes were wide with shock as he felt Martins warm lips move against his. It took him a moment there to react to the kiss and open his mouth a bit to let Martins tongue in. After a short while, Martin pulled back a little to let them breathe and to collect his thoughts. Ben looked still utterly surprised by his actions but at the same time, he wanted to continue kissing him. He never would have thought that Martin would actually take the initiative.   
“What was that for?” Benedict was breathless. Martin just stared at him slightly confused but more so with a hunger in his eyes that Benedict has never seen in him before.   
“I don't know” And Martin really didn't know. He couldn't form any coherent sentences and couldn't find any understanding as to why he wanted to kiss Benedict. Without another thought, he just continued and pulled Ben back into another kiss. Now both were beginning to get into a rhythm and Ben took a little bit more control of the kiss, turning Martin around and pushing him into the wall eagerly, desperately. Martin let him take more control now, although both were getting more aggressive, starting to pull on each other's clothes. Ben's hands feverishly started to touch every possible exposed skin on Martins body. He pulled Martins loose white shirt from his body while his lips started to travel down to his neck, covering his skin with feather light kisses, sucking and licking. Martin answered with moans and sighs while his hands traveled up them black delicious locks again. How he loved Bens locks, especially in that particular Sherlock jet black color. His brain lost all function when Bens' lips traveled further down his body, indicating a clear direction on where he wanted to go with this. There was no denying anymore on what both wanted for so long. Pleasure and pure attraction consumed both of them in a way that they hadn’t anticipated.  
“Oh god. Ben.” Martin gasped while Benedict worked Martins belt, continuing to spread those kisses on to his torso. Martins head threw back and rested on the wall, while he closed his eyes in arousal and utter bliss. He just wanted to stay in that moment forever. The pure anticipation of how those lips would feel around his hard cock. He couldn't really take it before he fully combusted. Ben was so eager, so talented with his hands and his mouth, Martin has never felt that kind of excitement, that kind of arousal ever, with anyone. It was mindblowing, how this man was able to draw him in that he completely lost control and surrendered to his mercy completely. Benedict's heart was beating in his chest so wildly, he was so determined, so impatient to rip those clothes from Martins body. He wanted to feel all of him. Everything. It was unbearable how long he had waited, how long he fought against this, against them. He never felt more need for one person in his entire life. He freed Martin of his belt and saw the big bulge that has formed in Martins pants. He really didn't want to prolong Martins agony and just suck him right of there and then, but all of a sudden there was a loud bang on the door. A really loud bang. Both of them immediately startled and stopped in their tracks. Ben still felt Martins warm hands massaging his black locks, while Ben knelt in front of Martin, on his knees, ready to give Martin anything he wanted from him. 

“Open the door for god sakes. I know you’re awake.” Martins' eyes shot open and he immediately looked down to Ben with wide eyes. Ben did the same, looking up in absolute shock and disbelief. Both of them just stared at each other, Martin could still see the lust in Bens eyes but also the sheer and utter panic that ran through his face.   
“Open the fucking door, Martin.” Amanda's voice rang through the room. Bens heartbeat increased but for a totally different reason. Martins' hands pulled slowly away from Bens luscious black hair.  
“Fuck!” He whispered while his eyes never left Bens. Ben’s hand slowly pulled away from Martins body as he got off the ground, while Martin still stood there with an unzipped fly and exposed torso. Both of their breathing was hard and panicky. Both of their faces flushed and red. Both their eyes wild and terrified. But there were back. Back in reality. The spell was broken.   
“What now?” Ben whispered while Martin closed his pants, collecting the belt from the floor. He rushed through the room, completely confusing Benedict with his hectic actions.   
“Open the bloody door. I swear to god. I know you are not alone in there.” Ben started to sweat. From sheer lust and passion into absolute terror and panic. How could they fix this?   
“Martin, hey. Could you stop this for a second.” Benedict whispered again pulling Martin by the arm who was buttoning up his white shirt. Martin seemed to be in a zone of his own, his thoughts running in all directions simultaneously.  
“Don’t touch me.” He snapped at Ben while pulling his arm back in a swift motion which totally took Ben by surprise. Martin acted completely different all of a sudden. Defensive. Just a few seconds ago he was about to get down on him, while Martin seemed to enjoy every minute of it and now he was ice-cold again. Really?. Ben’s eyes started to water a bit without him noticing.  
“Really?” He just uttered while Martins brushed a hand through his face in frustration.  
“I don’t know what to do. I….my wife is in front of that fucking door, and we were just about to,…..to….I….this was a mistake. You need to leave now.” Ben’s head dropped a bit. He understood the situation quite well. It was an absolute nightmare.   
“I understand. I don't want to cause you more trouble than I already have but how am I supposed to leave. She's standing in front of that fucking door.” Martin saw the pain in Bens eyes, the disappointment. But he also saw all the love.  
“Martin John Christopher Freeman. You open that door at once or you wish you’ve never met me.” Amanda's voice rang through the room again, Martin closing his eyes in utter defeat.   
“You need to hide. That’s the only option we got.”   
“What if we just pretend that we had a drink together. She doesn’t know that…”   
“In that context, she will. She’s not stupid.” Answered Martin in a hushed voice while his eyes traveled to the big closet across from them. Ben followed his gaze and immediately shook his head.  
“She is not going to notice if you stop panicking. We are both actors. Trust me. Just be cool.” He made clear as Martin pushed Benedict to the closet by his arms.   
“You need to do this. Come on.”  
“No. You need to get a fucking grip.” both of them really tried to keep their voices down.  
“You need to promise me that. You need to promise not to fuck this up on purpose. This is my wife standing behind that door. We going to play it on my terms. The story is that we had a nightcap, and you decided to come up here cause you are really drunk and I couldn't get rid of you. Are we clear?" Martins' voice was firm and his whole demeanor seemed to change. He just switched back to being completely emotionless, like the last ten minutes never happened. Ben looked back at him. To say that he was disappointed was an understatement. He was crushed at how easily Martin was able to dismiss him. Like he was just a toy that he could play with when he wanted to.  
"You owe me that. After all, this is all your fault.” As soon as Martin said it, he knew he didn’t mean it. He regretted it immediately and saw Bens face fall even more.   
“My fault. How is this my fault?” Ben's anger and frustration grew but he really tried to keep his voice down so Amanda wouldn't hear them.   
“Please. We’ve got no time for this. We either stick to the story or I will never forgive you.” He made clear and waited for Ben to make his decision. Ben looked Martin straight in the eye. He was disappointed, so disappointed in the man, who he had fallen in love with so hard it hurt. Martin avoided his gaze, waited for his answer and just prayed to god Benedict would help him out, after all, he had mentioned it first. If it was not the closet that Ben should hide in that they had to count on their acting talent to convince Amanda. 

“Very well.” Martin was letting out a relieved sigh before dismissing Ben again and looking frantically in the mirror to brush up his appearance was.  
“Thank you,” Martin added while making his way towards the door. How did he get here this evening? How did he let it happen that he was forced into this situation? He just couldn't resist, couldn't control himself? Although Martin was the one who started the kiss. Though, he was the one who made the confession. So who's fault was it really. Ben tried to get out of his head as quickly as possible and switch into acting mode. He had to fully rely on his talent now than anything else would rip his already damaged heart into tiny little pieces in front of the woman who held all the strings in her hands.  
Martin was right,…this has all been a huge mistake from the start. All of it.   
Martin cleared his throat while looking down on himself yet again, putting his clothes in place and brushing his wild hair back. He opened the door in a swift motion. He was an actor, he could do this.  
“Honey. What the hell is going on? Me and Ben just having a nightcap.” He blinked his eyes sleepily, looking at his wife, who was standing there, her hands crossed in front of her, her short blonde hair in curls, her eyes staring at her husband in a rage.  
“Really. That’s how you answer your fucking door. Get out of my way, you reek of alcohol.” She stormed into the room, pushing Martin out of the way who was so shocked by his wife's actions, he actually believed he was in a fucking movie.   
“Hon, what the fuck is wrong with you. What the fuck are you actually doing here?” Amanda started to pull all the lights in, roaming around the rooms, in desperate need of finding a female person, but all she could find was Benedict who comfortably stood there with a drink in his hand looking rather clueless of her being there.  
"Benedict. Maybe as long as my husband decides he wants to be honest with me, you can help me out by explaining where you hid your whores so quickly." Ben looked at Amanda who started to get even more furious seeing Benedict in there pretending to have no care in the world. He smiled at her in a drunken manner.  
"Hi, Amanda, for starters. It's really good to see you, but I really don't know what you're talking about. Martin and I just had a nightcap. I refused to go to my room just yet, and his bourbon is definitely better than mine." Amanda just rolled her eyes at that and continued to roam through the room, visibly shaken by both of the men's behaviors towards her validated suspicion and anger.   
“ I am certain that I ruined all the fun for you, as I expected. Where is your fucking whore that you so desperately try to hide, Martin.” Martin panicked again. This wasn’t good at all.  
“What the fuck are you talking about. I’m not fucking other women. I was just downstairs enjoying the wrap party and came back here with Ben to enjoy a last drink. Nothing else.” Amanda looked through everything totally ignoring her husbands' ramblings.   
“Don't treat me like a fool, Martin, you know better. You guys took awfully long to answer that door, while I was shouting for you to come out. Enough time to rush your whores out.” She answered while opening all the doors from all the other closets and draws.   
“Stop this for christ sakes. You’re acting like a crazy person.” He stormed in, pulling Amanda towards him by the wrists and pushing her against the wall. Benedict tried to stay quiet as much as possible, and not intervene. After all, Martin had to sort this out himself. Amanda suspected Martin to cheat. Which he didn’t. he was about to, but he didn’t in the end. But who was Amanda to believe? She clearly didn't believe Benedict. There was no denying then, that something was very wrong. Amanda was a woman and her intuition didn't fail her. Her husband was about to cheat. Though, it was not another woman. It was his best friend.   
“Stop. You wish. You cheat on me and then you have the audacity to call me crazy. While you’re the crazy one, destroying everything we’ve built over the years. Forgetting about grace and joe, about the vows we made to each other.” Martin shook his head eagerly, one hand brushing over Amanda's face.  
“I haven’t, Amanda. I swear. I’ve not cheated on you. I don't even know why you would think that.”   
“I know from someone of the crew, I won't mention who.” Martin shook his head in disbelief.  
“Seriously. You don't believe your own husband but some faceless name from the crew. I love you, Amanda. Nothing has changed.” He said, pushing Amanda towards the bed while pulling her into a deep kiss. Amanda was so shocked the first moment that she couldn't react before she pushed Martin off her. Ben was equally shocked and put his drink back on the tray. His eyes in wide in disbelief. Was Martin for fucking real? Doing this in front of him? Just minutes ago he was moaning underneath Benedict's breath. Benedict had to take all of his strength to not lose his mind and punch Martin in the face. For not letting his facade break. He had to get out of this room as quickly as possible.   
“No way. You’re not getting out of this with sex. You tell me right this second who she is. I deserve the truth.” Martin pulled Amanda against him again, not letting go of his grip and looking her deep in the eyes, feeling impatient now.  
“Listen to me for christ sakes. There is no other woman. Ok. I’m telling the truth. I love you. Only you. Noone else.” He almost screamed at her and got Amanda to stay silent. Ben on the other side of the room was feeling more anxious by the second. He couldn't sit through this, or rather stand through this. Before Martin could pull Amanda into another kiss, Benedict brushed his hand through his hair and walked passed the two.  
"I better give you guys some privacy. Anyway, it's time for me to sleep the booze off." His voice had to be steady. Benedict put the effort in to really sell it.   
Martin didn't turn towards Benedict. He had his eyes fixed on Amanda, determined to mend their broken relationship.  
"Sure. Mate. See you in the morning." It was like a slap in the face, but clearly, Martin wanted Ben out of earshot.  
"Oh no, you wait there Mr. Cumberbatch. You are both in trouble indeed. Covering for each other." Benedict stopped dead in his tracks and turned towards Amanda. It took a lot out of him to do that for Martin.   
"Amanda. Stop this. You are acting completely insane. I can guarantee you, that your husband has been nothing but faithful to you. In fact, while we were sitting here drinking just mere minutes ago, he told me how lucky he still is that he has the most perfect, beautiful woman in the world love him as she does. He loves you and only you. Nobody comes close. His exact words." And there it was. Benedict's acting talent shining through and Amandas eyes started to shine, while some tears threatened to spill at the edges or her eyes. Ben still couldn't see the reaction on Martins face cause he was turning the other way. He clearly didn't want to look Benedict in the eyes. He clearly avoided him. Martin Freeman was a coward, and Benedict had enough of this evening, of the man who had put him through this embarrassing ordeal.   
"I should go. I will see you guys in the morning." Amanda was still quiet. Those sincere words coming from Benedict did the trick, as Benedict was turning towards the door and Amanda looking lovingly back to her husband.  
"Is that true?" Amanda asked while they both heard the door closing. Benedict had finally left and Martins' heart was twisting.   
"Of course. You are the love of my life. I don't know why constantly question my intentions. You, Grace and Joe, are the reason why I wake up every morning."  
He pulled Amanda into a kiss again, which she didn't reject this time, pulling him closer and she immediately started to pull at his clothes. Martin was, on one hand, relieved because he got Amanda to calm down, but on the other hand, he pictured Ben. It was an utter insult at what they were just sharing a few minutes ago. Martin couldn't let that happen. Not right after. He needed to find some leeway to clear his head.   
“You infuriate me,” Amanda whispered breathlessly while she kissed down on Martins' neck, pulling at his fly. No way would Martin let her go down on him now.   
“Hon hang on. Let's move this party downstairs.” Amanda frowned while Martin pulled his fly together again.   
“What. I was just about to forgive you. Thinking I was wrong.” She pushed her husband off her and looked around the room.  
“You are. You are very wrong about me. But as you said. I don’t want to solve this problem with sex. I think we should have a proper conversation about this. Cause I can't comprehend how you would flip out like this. This is not you.”   
“Really. You would pass on sex. You surprise me hon.” She looked at Martin, who couldn't believe that he actually was about to lose it. He was confused. Ben probably hating his guts at this point and falling out of love with him, and his wife standing in front of him, demanding and truthful, trying to get her husband back.   
“I love you and I want us to be honest with each other.” He stammered.  
“I Know I haven’t been there as much with all the work coming up and I haven’t been there for you and the kids as I should have. But I want to change that, I want to take on fewer projects, so I can be there for all of you.” Amanda blinked and her facial expression softened.   
“Well, that's honorable, I suppose. Seeing that you’ve hardly been there the last two years filming the Hobbit and Sherlock.” She stepped towards Martin, taking his hand.  
“I love you too, hon. And I want our marriage to work. We’ve been together for far too long as that I am willing to throw this all away, but you need to be honest with me if there is anyone else. I know you got needs like any other man and I fear that sometimes I am not enough, on top of not seeing each other for weeks on end.” Martin took both of his hands and cradled her face.  
“Listen to me. There is no one else. There never has been and there never will be. This is too special that I would ever dare to throw it away.” He made clear and Amanda's eyes started to water and Martin knew that he and Ben couldn't possibly be real because Martin already had a life with someone he loved and made a vow to. 

Ben, on the other hand, fell on his hotel bedroom, running his hands through his face in frustration. He knew that Amanda didn't deserve that and he was not that guy to ever let that happen again. He felt disgusted with himself, opening up to Martin like that and almost really having sex with him. How could he have been so foolish, so damn right righteous to claim this man, just because he let his feelings take over? He was sure now, that anything that was going on between Martin and him was hereby over.

Martin and Amanda shared a long kiss.   
“Come on. Let's get out of here. There's a cozy bar downstairs. Let's have a few of your favorite martinis and chat.” Amanda smiled widely while a few tears were streaming down her face. She loved this man, it never stopped.   
“Ok. You win.” She said and both of them smiled at each other and left the room a few minutes after. 

Benedict crumbled himself off his bed, standing in front of the bathroom mirror. His hair was in a mess, his eyes looked confused. This was it. He just noticed that he started to cry. Thick tears were running down his face as he tried to compose himself. He needed to get a grip. Ben looked back in the mirror and looked at his pathetic face. Here he was. On this day of celebration. Was he not supposed to be drunk out of his mind. Was he not supposed to celebrate this group effort, this season, the upcoming success. He should have. Instead, he was standing in his bathroom unconsciously crying, while the person he just confessed his love to was trying to mend his fractured marriage. If he didn’t know better he wouldn't recognize himself. He was a fool to believe that anything that was uttered between them tonight would have an impact on him, on his life that he has built with Amanda over thirteen years. In the end, it was a pointless exercise altogether because they never had been a future for them anyways. Both of them were huge Hollywood stars now with millions of female fans. Coming out in that way would be career suicide not to mention he would probably never work again as an actor altogether. The scrutiny would kill both of them. So looking at the problem now, there was nothing really to dwell on. Martin made the right move to get Amanda away from that situation and carry on with his life. That's what Benedict had to do as well. He shouldn't dwell on what’s been happening between them, or almost happened between them. However, his tears were uncontrollable. He felt better afterward though, as he returned to his bed, covering himself underneath the sheets, trying to get some sleep, blocking out the still buzzing sound of the party downstairs. His thoughts were running wild. How would they interact from now on? Act as nothing happened? Probably that was the best way to go. Trying to put things behind them and moving on. Business as usual. Ben tossed and turned. He couldn't sleep. His head was buzzing from all the alcohol but he couldn't get the images out of his head. Confessing all of that in one evening was a lot for him. He looked at the ceiling. He needed to get Martin out of his head. And quickly, if he wanted to take his life under control again. He needed to continue to do great work and he needed to find the right woman he can actually build a life with. That's what his parents always wanted for him. That's what his mum was constantly nagging him about. Wife, kids to build a lovely home. Not this bachelor lifestyle that he was leading right now. He was asking himself constantly the same question. When did this really all began? At the first read through he had with him? Or when he split up from Olivia?   
Olivia. How he missed her sometimes. His precious Olivia. He was always so convinced that they would marry one day. He was convinced he loved her, he always would, but how was it possible that he fell in love with a man when he had been with the same woman for ten years. Martin knew Olivia. Met them together during season one of Sherlock. They all went out together, got on tremendously well and enjoyed each others company. When was the switch then? When did he decide that Olivia wasn’t the one? Was everything happening because of Martin? Because he fell in love with this grumpy, little man, who was gorgeous in every aspect but could drive him equally up the wall sometimes. It was a development. There was no defining moment for Benedict that led him to split up with Olivia and fall in love with his Costar. Olivia wanted things, he didn't want anymore. Both of them decided that there love wasn't strong enough and both decided to split. After that, he dated several different women. He had fun and enjoyed his bachelor lifestyle while always feeling that pull towards Martin. He started to miss his company when Sherlock was wrapping. He started to get jealous over little things, for instance, other people talking to him. He started to feel jealous of Amanda, or basically anyone who got to share more time with him than he did. Ben didn't realize it at first, pushed it off as just a really great friendship, but it started to feel like there was something more to it. Little smiles here and there, deep stares, light touches. Everything felt different with Martin and Ben began to feel weird and crazy and uncomfortable in his presence because he couldn't understand those feelings and he didn't want to confront them. So he pushed him away. He just wanted to ignore Martin and his feelings for him altogether. It was good that they shoot so little episodes for Sherlock, so he at least didn't have to see him that often. But his plan backfired. Its just became more and more unbearable to stay away from him. So tonight he reached a peak and he snapped. He just laid it all out in front of them. So he did, and he realized there was nothing more painful than being left abandoned in an empty hotel suite. He was done feeling like that. So he made a pact with himself. He would from now on never mention what happened tonight ever again. To nobody. He would act like nothing had happened and go back to being professional. It was the best way to deal with all that and hopefully, his feelings would vanish over time. Fortunately, season 3 just wrapped and he had a couple of months time away from all of this. He would start dating again and find a woman. Because that was his only option. That was the life he had to choose.


	6. Don't Do This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> His heartbeat was racing and he could feel his sweaty hands. This would not be easy at all. He was torn. On one hand, he could simply ignore what had happened yesterday or he could confront it. It was just the fact on what was more damaging to their relationship.

The next morning most of the crew were sleeping in. The entire morning was spend recovering from the very successful but excessive wrap party and pack down to rejoin real life again. Set life was hereby over for a bit. Benedict and the cast were about to get summoned to the traditional farewell speech from Steven and Mark later in the day. They usually did that at the beginning of each table read and then right at the end when principal photography was over. This time around they set the time for that particular event back as most of the crew was fighting the enormous hangover.   
Benedict, although he didn’t really find any sleep, was up quite early, trying to get as many espressos in his system as possible to survive the day and to get safely back to London. He was one of the few ones who came down for breakfast. Mobile and a newspaper in his hands he sat at one of the barstools and ordered the next coffee. Red lines cornered at his eyes and he tried to forget what has happened yesterday. He quit smoking a while ago, but his fingers were itching for a cigarette.   
“You're the one who I least excepted to be up so early.” He heard a posh voice coming from the left and grinned as Mark made his way to the bar.  
“One strong espresso, please.” He sat down next to Ben who sighed slowly.   
“What can I say. I am a morning person, after all, also I had to make some calls.” Mark laughed.  
“What's with you. Work never sleeps. I, myself pride to be a workaholic. But after a party like yesterday even I have to forget about work for a couple of hours. I hope you at least enjoyed yourself a little bit, Ben.”   
“I did.” He said way too quickly and regretted it immediately as his gaze turned to Mark and back to his cup. Mark looked a bit confused. He noticed that Ben acted a bit off and annoyed.   
“Well, I’m glad. Nobody deserves it more like you.” He added, trying to get a cheerfulness back into their conversation. Though, he was met by silence. Ben really seemed not to open for small talk. He was way more tense than usual.  
“You ok?” Mark tried to press the issue.   
“Sure, why wouldn't I be. Just a tiny hangover.” Mark nodded.  
“Same here. I have to pick up Ian from the airport later and I don't want to look to wired. We haven’t seen each other in two weeks.” Bens eyes glazed.   
“Right. He was doing that movie in New Orleans right?” Mark smiled proudly.   
“Yeah. It's a small part, but with a superb cast, so he didn't want to miss out.” Ben eyes faded. Mark always glowed when he talked about his husband, even now, after more ten years together, one could clearly see how much of a loving couple they were. Ben sometimes envied what Mark had achieved. Being a gay actor was never easy, but he pulled it off with ease, stood to himself and was now more successful than ever. People didn't really care he was gay. He still had his fans, recognition, and success because he never cared what people thought of him or who he was. He was honest from the beginning, treated it like it was nothing special. And it shouldn’t. Same went for Andrew. He was more in demand than ever and nobody really gave two pennies to the fact that he was gay.   
“Benedict.” Mark pulled him out of his thoughts.  
“Yes.”   
“Are you really ok. I called your name three times. You seemed far away just now.” Ben chuckled lightly. Trying to play it off.  
“Sorry. My brain is working slowly this morning. I think I should maybe take a small nap before the farewell later.” Mark frowned.  
“Yeah. Maybe you should.” Mark assured and still looked a bit worried. Ben knew that he wasn't feeling great. As much as he tried to block the images from yesterday out of his mind, he was failing, because it was too fresh. He had to mentally prepare for later to face the music, face Amanda and face Martin. He couldn't act like that around him. Making it all awkward and causing further problems.   
“You know, I usually don't do this, but I figured that she will move on to a new project like all of us,….and well she begged me to give you her card….” Mark fished what looked like a business card out of his pocket and laid it on the table in front of Benedict.  
“What's this.” Mark sighed.  
“I shouldn't probably. But you know me. I tend to get all warm and fuzzy when shooting ends. She was looking for you yesterday at the party. All up in arms for ages. Her name is Jenna Read. A really smart and beautiful young woman from the art department. She's been dying to meet you for ages apparently. I know it's not very professional, but she gave me her card yesterday hoping that I'll pass it on to you.” Bens brow took a further high.  
“Ok. And she couldn't pluck up the courage to approach me herself this whole time. I mean she’s going to be there this evening or….why give you the card in the first place?”   
“She left right after the wrap party and took the next plane to New York. She’s working on the new Marvel movie. Like I said very busy and very talented young lady. And well I guess she’s too shy to ever think about approaching you,….she saw her chance yesterday at the party, but you disappeared early, so I was her last resort in a way. Or that's what I like to think.” Mark grinned amused and Ben was more or less confused.  
“Well, thanks. But I don't think I’ll….” Mark cut in.  
“Fine. Don't worry about it. I know you’re very busy like all of us. But clearly, you should not forget to enjoy yourself, darling. I have a feeling you overworking yourself and that's never a good idea, as much as I know how much pressure you must be under.” Ben chuckled again.  
“You’ve got no idea.” Mark put one hand on Bens' shoulder, encouraging him to open up. Just to talk. To let it all out.  
“Than tell me. It's better to talk it through so I know the situation. I mean, I am in this business for a long time now, but I’ve never had to deal with that level of fame that you’ve been dealing with for the last couple of months. It must be overwhelming.” Ben nodded lightly.   
“It is. As much as I enjoy the success I am having, it can be sometimes quite difficult as a person in actual life. Its just the expectations can be stifling, you know. Trying desperately to be that person that everybody expects me to be. Trying to be perfect. Sometimes I feel I can not breathe any longer” Mark shook his head eagerly.  
“You can't. It's impossible. Nobody is perfect Ben. And you should never try to be somebody that you’re not just because people want you to be that person. You don't owe anyone anything. Just do what feels right to you.”   
“That's easier said than done, I suppose.” Mark blinked. Ben looked utterly defeated and tired.   
“Yeah, unfortunately, it is.” After a short silence between them, Ben made his move to leave.  
“Still. Please think about calling that girl or any girl for that matter. I would love to see you with someone again. A partner who supports you, you know. There is no better way of deflecting all the negative stuff and concentrate on the things that are really important.” Ben lingered, took in the words of his "older brother" and smiled.   
“I’ll think about it." He took a pause before looking at Mark warmly.  
"I don't say that lightly when I say that you really feel like an older brother to me, Mark.” Mark smiled back at Ben in an equally warm manner.   
“Same here. You’re like the younger brother I never had.” He replied and both of them hugged it out before Benedict left the lounge. 

In the meantime, the crewmembers and cast were slowly beginning their day, starting to pack down their equipment, tents and their belongings to make their way to transport. Martin and Amanda were just packing their stuff together in Martins suite. Or it was more Amanda helping Martin to pack his stuff, as Amanda had already been checked out a week ago after wrapping her last scene. The cast that was left was Martin, Ben, Louise, Mark, and Rupert. Martin and Amanda successfully had managed to talk it out at the Lounge yesterday and going over the main issues they were having in their marriage. From mistrust to complete ignorance, everything was discussed and resolved with a promise that both would work harder on their marriage to make it work. Martin would try to spend more time with his family and take on fewer projects, while Amanda tried to be less suspicious about Martins extracurricular activities.  
“I actually wanted to go around Ben’s for a bit, if you don't mind before we leave. There’s some scheduling stuff that we wanted to discuss before we have the chance to talk to Steven and Mark.” Martin blurted out and looked at his wife who was finishing up the packing for him.  
“Sure. Go ahead. I actually wanted to let you know that I am making my way back before the farewell. I was not supposed to be here anyway and I don't want my parents to miss their whole weekend just because I had a freak-out yesterday.” Martin nodded.  
“No, sure. That's fine. You know how these farewell work anyways. Take your time hon, I can finish that up myself later by the way. You don't have to do that.” He said while Amanda waved her hand.  
“No, no. that's ok. I like to do that for you. You go, I finish this and then will see each other tonight ok. Tell your driver to drive slowly.” She warned with a giggle and pulled her husband into a quick kiss before Martin stepped out of his suite. 

His heartbeat was racing and he could feel his sweaty hands. This would not be easy at all. He was torn. On one hand, he could simply ignore what had happened yesterday or he could confront it. It was just the fact on what was more damaging to their relationship. If there was any relationship left between them. But deep down he knew that he had to confront it, or at least try to smoothen things out before it got worse. He pressed on the lift to go down. Floor 2, Suite 4. He had left Benedict to deal with this situation without a second thought about how he must have felt. He just did it to save his skin. As much as he was not proud of himself, he couldn't really think of another option at that moment. As the lift doors opened and Martin saw that the lift was empty, he stepped inside and gasped. He was jumpy for no reason. He was anxious to see Benedict again. There was no denying it. He really could act normal, or make a big fuss about the fact that his Co-star confessed to him that he had fallen in love with him. That was in itself mindblowing and Martin still couldn't really quite believe it. He heard his mobile ringing in his jeans and checked the number. His agent. No time. Not now. The lift doors were sliding open and Martin walked down the long corridor to Suite 4. He stopped in front of the door. Now or never. He had to face Benedict sooner or later. It was nearly inevitable that both of them were acting normal, people around them would definitely pick up that something was not quite right between them. He knocked on the door. Once, twice. And let the tension in his body rise to the maximum. He heard rumbles coming from the suite and footsteps following after.   
The door was pushed open swiftly and revealed Benedict who wore a grey jumper with light grey pants and a leather jacket on top of it. He looked absolutely gorgeous, that it took Martin a second to comprehend that he was just staring at him. Benedict looked effortlessly pretty.  
“Hi,” Ben said quite sudden but with a totally flat tone in his voice. His eyes held no emotions which Martin recognized immediately.   
“Hey. Hm,…you going out.” He suggested from the way he was dressed.   
“Yeah. Just heading out for a walk.” He said, again with no specific emotion. Martin squeezed his eyes together.  
“Right. Mind If I join you?” Both looked at each other. Ben paused, looked down and then back up to Martin. Ben tried to stop his heart from beating so fast. He just wanted to get away from Martin as fast as possible.  
“Hm…I don't think that's a really good idea Martin.” He took his wallet and his mobile that was lying on the desk next to the door and stepped outside of the suite, ready to lock the door. He didn't even invite martin in, that's how much he tried to avoid this confrontation.  
“Come on Ben. We need to talk about this.” Martin tried to be reasonable.  
“I said everything I have to say yesterday. We both did.” Without letting Martin answer, Benedict walked down the corridor, making his way to the lifts, with Martin close behind him. This started to get more difficult now, Martin thought to himself and try to come up with other ways to reason with him.  
“Listen. Could you stop walking away for a second.” He pulled Ben by the arm to make him stop, which he did but he wasn't really looking too happy about it. He almost couldn't look Martin probably in the eyes.   
“I know you must be upset how I treated the situation yesterday, but it was really my only choice at the time….” Ben cut in.  
“Listen. I'm done talking about it. And we shouldn’t anyway, especially right here.” He warned while Martin looked at their surroundings. Benedict was right. It wasn't really clever at all to discuss their relationship in an open hotel corridor which was housed by half their crew members  
“Very well. Let's find a quiet place then….I” Ben cut in again.   
“No. I need to be somewhere before the farewell begins. I can’t follow you around, just because you want me to. Because you feel the need right now to talk things through when there’s actually nothing to talk about anymore.” Martin was immediately taken aback by Bens obvious dismissiveness. He seemed not to care about any of that anymore. It seemed that Martin was right. Pulling that stunt yesterday, hurt him. It hurt him so much that he started to lose interest in Martin altogether.   
“Wow. I can't believe it. It literally is like I’ve expected. You don't give a shit anymore. After everything that happened, you really can't be bothered, am I right?” Ben laughed sarcastically to himself.   
“What's the point. Seriously Martin if you think about it,….there isn’t any.” Before Ben could react, Martin was pushing him into the empty elevator that had just arrived.  
“What the fuck are you doing,” Ben screamed at him and held his arm where Martin had pulled him in, without any luck though. Martin was pressing Ben's shoulder so hard against the elevator door and waited for it to close shut. Which it did.   
“Getting us out of earshot.” The smaller man brushed his hand through his hair and fixated Benedict with a clear gaze. The elevator started to move up, and Martin turned towards the buttons and pressed down on the one which said "STOP". The elevator came to an abrupt halt and Benedict lost all the air in his lungs. His heart was beating violently against his chest.   
“What is this. It's ridiculous. YOU, ME. The whole fucking thing!” Ben shouted frustratingly.   
“That's not what it sounded like yesterday evening.” Ben tried to circle around Martin, to get closer to the buttons, but Martin was blocking the way.  
“That was yesterday. This morning, I came to my senses and know that whatever I tried to do yesterday was a pointless exercise. It wasn't real as you said. We both are actors, public figures who live on their reputation and perception. You were right and I was wrong. Ok. I was caught up in my head so much, I didn't want to see it.” Martins' head dropped a little as he looked at Ben, trying his best to not look at him. The more he looked at Ben, the more he really saw how beautiful this man was and how much he wanted to have this man in his life. He was one of a kind, there was no doubt about it.   
“So you say one thing and then you say another,” Martin said bleakly.  
“What do you want from me, Martin. I mean seriously. You are the one who’s married with kids. You are the one who lied to his wife. You are the one who’s unavailable…..so don't put this on me. Like I did something here. Like I took advantage of you. I told you how I feel, and realized this morning that it doesn't matter because we are never going to be able to act on it. Ok. Not just because you’re married. Also because we both are under certain pressures from the media that makes it impossible for us to ever be honest about this. So don't give me that shit about being indifferent now and have a change of heart when it's the only reasonable thing to do at the moment.” Martin had to give it to Ben. He was right. In every aspect of their current predicament. They both knew that whatever they started yesterday could never be realized for so many reasons.   
“Well, You are right. And in truth, I am the one who’s married and walked after his wife yesterday to leave you behind. It’s also true that whatever was going on with us yesterday would never work with the lives we both lead. It would destroy everything we have worked for in the past. Both of our careers would be on the line. It’s also true that when you told me that you fell in love with me, the only thing I could think of was how much I want to escape all of this. How much I want it to be real even for just a minute or two. How much I actually lied to myself as well.” Ben shivered. He couldn't breathe again, but for completely another reason. Martin was trying to be brave. He really wanted to be brave. He wanted it all.   
“What do you mean. Lied to yourself?” Martin stepped further to Ben, never leaving his eyes. Ben's eyes were equally fixed on Martin. He took a long pause.   
“I’m in love with you too,” Martin confessed and Benedict lost all rational thought. He just looked into these deep of blue eyes and was lost in them. One sentence that could really change everything? And here it was.  
“I was more of a coward then I let on, but you were right from the start. There was always something, maybe even at that first read through when we first met. Same as you, I didn't want to confront it, so I buried it. But I can’t deny it now, not of what's been happening yesterday. And yeah seeing that my wife stormed in like a maniac and I pushed you away to go after her, I acted out of fear and,….I believe I still do. I am still scared about this, and what this all means,….but I want you to know that I’ve fallen in love with you too.” Ben just stood there. With nothing to say. The words coming out of Martins' mouth very staggering and overwhelming and everything he planned out to do was flying out of the window. Martin's eyes were traveling from his eyes to his lips.  
“Ben, please say something.” Ben couldn't. He was speechless. Just looking at Martin was unbearable. He had to control every fiber in his body not to pull him in for a kiss.  
“You can't say these things to me. Not now. Not when we are already in this big mess.” Martin closed his eyes in frustration.  
“I know. But I have to be honest as well.” Ben tried to hold his tears back that were threatening to stream down his face.  
“Really. Not really. Because you know it won't make it easier."  
Ben was looking down for a moment. He had to drag his eyes away, before looking up, his jaw clenching, his hands in fists. He was barely holding it together at this point.   
"Do you love Amanda?” Martin had to think for a second. Maybe even for a minute. He huffed slightly, but he was not going to be a coward any longer.   
“Yeah, I do.” He announced. He loved Amanda and he would always love her.   
“See. You can't love two people at the same time.” Martin turned his body towards the elevator door, roamed around a bit. That's what he always did when he was getting nervous and upset. He had to get some space to think.  
“I don’t, can't you see? I love her but I am not in love with her. Not anymore.” There it was. The truth hung brightly above their heads. Benedict was scared to have to face that truth, that conversation. But here it was. Martin was either on the verge of manipulating him like nobody ever has or really to jeopardize everything. His whole professional and personal life.  
“You really should not say these things to me. I can not control myself.” Benedict warned and made Martin turn towards him in anticipation. With one single look, he had Bens attention again and was walking up to him. Slowly but with conviction.  
“Then don't,” Martin said more above a whisper while Ben tried to step away. But he couldn't. He was transfixed. Martin was manipulating him. It had to be like this. There was no other explanation.   
“You know this won't help either of us. It will just make it worse.” Martins' hands were coming up to Bens' face, cradling his face, while Ben closed his eyes. He couldn't look at Martin. It was just too painful.  
“Look at me,” Martin demanded while Ben shook his head. He kept his eyes closed.   
“Please Ben. Look at me.” Martin begged and Ben cracked, opened his eyes. Martins' eyes were beautiful, always have been.  
“I know this is more than I ever thought I had to deal with. But there are options. Morally controversial, but it's not impossible…..” Ben cut in.  
“Don't say that. I am not that guy. I never have been and I am not starting to be that guy.” He said while Martin brushed his hands over those gorgeous cheekbones.  
“I understand that. Believe me, I do. I don't want to be that guy either. I am married with kids, I’ve got responsibilities but I,…” Ben cut in again. Brushing Martins hand from his face. He was close to tears, Martin could see how much Ben struggled.   
“There is no compromise here. Don't you get it? I’m not going to be your dirty little secret just so we are able to act on this. This needs to stop. NOW.” Both of Bens hands encircled Martins' arms and pushed him physically away from him.  
“There’s nothing there. Nothing that you and I can change to make this normal or ok or right or whatever we try to do here to justify it. You and I are from now on Coworkers, Just coworkers, who act together once in a while. Apart from that, we are not going to see each other. Moreover, I don't want to see you. I just want this to be over.” Ben snapped, while one tear found its way over his cheek, while Martin watched in horror and complete hurt. Ben was about to turn his back.  
“Ben, don't do this.” He held his arm back, pleaded with him to not do this. Ben didn't look back, stopped in his tracks, pushed his arm out of martins grip and pressed for the elevator to go up. It took no more than ten seconds for the elevator doors to open and Ben looking at Martin for the last time before walking away.   
Martin contemplated for a second to follow him but the thought about the open corridor and who may witness their argument, or rather fight that was threatening to spill over. He knew that both of them made the right decision in the end. Not to act on it and trying to be good, reasonable and responsible. But that wasn't enough. Nothing would ever be enough now. Martin was in love with someone he couldn't have. Someone who just turned his back him, rejecting him when he knew that Ben was in love with him too, that he shared the same feelings, and now he stood here again. Helpless like yesterday evening. Overwhelmed by the situation. All he could think of was Benedict. It was like lightbolt switched on in his brain. Something that has always been there. Those strong feelings that he never realized were there and all of sudden they were bursting out. He couldn't even describe how that felt. He never felt this way before. Not even when he started dating Amanda back in the day.


	7. Transition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Martin was looking outside the car window. The rain was falling from the car window. The small drops were like the tears, he would never spill again. That's what he at least promised himself. It was quite a gloomy day in London today. It had been raining since this morning and he felt his stomach in knots all week leading up to this event.

10th February 2015

It was raining, more like bursting when the black car pulled up in his driveway. One of those days again, where he came home on a rainy evening trying to his best to be in time to catch his love awake and hoping for some time together. That’s all he ever came home for anymore, his soon-to-be wife and his role as the doting and happy fiancee. The dad he would soon become or moreover, “the dad he was destined to be”, a voice recalled in his head and he tried to put that thought as far away from him as possible. He didn't want to be influenced by his old life anymore. That’s what he called it now. The old life. The old Benedict. The man he left behind after he signed his soul off to showbiz, to fame and to a career in Hollywood. That was what he wanted he tried to tell himself, what everyone wanted for him and he wouldn’t jeopardize that for a crush, a fling, an attraction which was so strong he could have burnt his flame out. He almost did.  
He signed, grabbing his umbrella in preparation before handing the cap driver his change. 

Almost two years have passed since he left that guy, that "Old Benedict" in that Bristol hotel room, locked inside a closet, quite frankly, it was ironic that this was actually what he had been doing all along - putting that part of himself in a closet, to lock it and never open it again. And Benedict had pulled through, he actually succeeded. He had turned his back on an elevator and on an offer of someone he thought he knew. A stranger it turned out. He ended up being someone that Benedict hardly knew. A friend that he thought he could count on, who in the end, disappointed him like no one ever did. So he moved on. He moved on and decided to never look back again.  
Focus on the career his mother advice, seeing that her only sun breaking down in front of her. His parents had always known, that Benedict was certain of, but they never asked questions or assumed, they just let him be. It was easier that way. To know that your only son had to hide is true self underneath all that scrutiny and pressure from the outside world. What good would it do to name it? To actually make it real, when it was easier to sweep it under the rug and move on. And that's exactly what he did. He moved on. 

22nd August 2013

After Steven and Mark send their farewell and the crew said their goodbyes to each other, Benedict didn't even blink towards his direction where he knew those blue eyes would look back at him. He wouldn't have to meet them for the next or so year, so what was the point in doing it now, when he could just escape this hell that he had built around himself, and move on. He spoke to Steven and Mark separately, giving some non-sensical excuse about having to leave sooner rather than later. So off he went, knowing that those blue eyes would follow him out of the room, but never making a move of actually trying to change his mind and stopping Benedict from leaving. And thank god he didn't. Ben was glad about that, cause in hindsight-What was there left to say?  
So he left and he changed. Love was not his priority anymore. He focused on work. That's what he always did. Work without breaks. He started to throw himself into work even more than he had before. He had a wonderful time filming the Imitation game and other projects. He kept himself entertained with dating some nameless models, who were all beautiful and just dating him because they tried to raise their own profile. Benedict knew that. That's how show biz worked most of the time. It was strangulation and rows of superficial events with superficial people who all tried to screw each other over either figuratively or literally. And he did that successfully and survived although at some nights he wished he could just end all of this, drive to his house and convince him to get out of this marriage and out of the entrapments that both of them have built for themselves. Ben knew that this would hold him trapped for eternity. But Ben never did anything to change that. Why would he? He maybe didn't have love in his life but he still had his career. And that meant the world to him. So he pulled through. He started to drink more, smoke more and includes more and more women to the list of his conquests. He became a true Hollywood bachelor as his friends were starting to describe him. He quite frankly had a good time. Why bother with all the problems underneath when you could just drink and fuck them away. Sooner or later he would forget that one person who tore his heart into pieces. Until.....

The next or so years, became a couple of months.

The Empty Hearse premiered at the BFI. Fans from all over the world attended the venue simply to get a glimpse of the stars with some fans having queued for over 48 hours in an attempt to get tickets. Benedict could feel the pressure rising but there was no way out in a way. Both of them have signed contracts, which stated that they have to do this thing called promotion, so he couldn't really miss that without having a death in the family, but Benedict was trembling. His whole body was. Just the sheer thought of meeting Martin again was making him feel dizzy and lightheaded. He felt weak and couldn't hold any food in. He wasn't prepared for any of this, so he tried to drink, to calm his nerves, but he couldn't be going to this event drunk. He had a responsibility to the show and to the crew. Not to him, never to him.....but he was able to act like an adult, put on a brave face and fake it. Just fake it. He was good at doing that. He was a professional actor for crying out loud. So he would face that situation with a little bit of help. 

 

15th December 2013

Martin was looking outside the car window. The rain was falling from the car window. The small drops were like the tears, he would never spill again. That's what he at least promised himself. It was quite a gloomy day in London today. It had been raining since this morning and he felt his stomach in knots all week leading up to this event. He couldn't sleep, was agitated and anxious, if he was completely honest with himself, because today was the day he thought would arrive later. By later, he thought he could actually outrun the inevitable. He was, of course, no idiot. It remained inevitable that one day they would have to be in the same room again, talk to each other and look each other in the eyes, Martin just thought this day would be months away from now. Why would they have to be doing this anyway? The show really didn't need any of these big Promotion screening events, and if so, he shouldn't be forced to go. He loved the show and everyone involved, he just couldn't see himself being in the same room with Ben again. It hasn't been that long, at least after everything that has happened within 24 hours on that dreadful night in Bristol. Sometimes he lay awake at night, turning and shifting next to Amanda, unable to close his eyes cause the images which were flashing in front of them, were images of a different life he could lead. A different life where he wouldn't have to make those choices, where everything would be easy and simple because he would just be following his instincts, his feelings without any thoughts of the consequences or repercussions. Martin caught himself in the car mirror again. His reflection blurry, but he could see that he looked tired and worn out. Under his eyes, there were clear signs of bags that have gotten worse the last months. He just couldn't sleep probably anymore.  
"Jenny, how long do I actually have to stay for this screening thing?" He tucked at his sleeves. Jenny, Martin's publicist was sitting in the front seat next to the drive.  
"hang in there. It won't take as long as you might think. Put try patience. Apparently, there have been people waiting outside the venue for more than 48 hours to get tickets. So to be doing this for the next two hours won't kill you." She said casually while typing away on her phone. Martin knew he had to pull himself together cause, in truth, Jenny was right. He would be dealing with this like a fucking pro because the fans expected him too. They expected both of them to not let anything personal effect them, and maybe he was overdrawing this. Maybe Ben had completely moved on from that evening in Bristol and would be acting completely normal. Maybe it didn't have to awkward like Martin expected it to be. Maybe everything would just be fine.


	8. Are you ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He took one clear crystal pill before he entered the car and agreed to be driven to the BFI headquarters. His publicist always next to him, briefing him on everything he had to know about the event and the day. He felt immediately at ease, while simultaneously keeping sharp and focused. It was like taking morphine and cocaine combined in one clear pill.

15th December 2013

He stepped out of the car, slowly walking towards the back door that his publicist held open for him. Benedict knew this routine by heart. Usually, he was never someone who got particularly nervous about those things, after all, he was a professional. Always have been and always will be. But today everything was different. He charted unknown territory, cause nothing seemed professional about this. He was lead into the lion's den without any perception of how this could play out, that's why he had to prepare himself in some form of way. He had to trick his mind to stay calm and collected, at ease with the situation. So he found a way to cope with this. His heart wasn't frantically beating, and his hands weren't twitching. His breath was steady and his mind was focused. He found a way to deal with stuff, but unlike Sherlock, he was able to deal with it on a healthy level. If there could be anything somewhat healthy about it, he wouldn't become addicted to it. He took one clear crystal pill before he entered the car and agreed to be driven to the BFI headquarters. His publicist always next to him, briefing him on everything he had to know about the event and the day. He felt immediately at ease, while simultaneously keeping sharp and focused. It was like taking morphine and cocaine combined in one clear pill. The new favorite drug of Hollywood and Ben was not and never has been a junkie, and he would not begin to become one. That was reserved for emergencies like today, where he just couldn't pull through and get himself into the right state. So he tried and it worked. He would actually be able to get through the day without hiccups. 

He followed Karen further down the long lobby of the BFI headquarters, feeling the eyes in the room. Benedict could always feel that he was the center of attention the minute he walked into the room. It seemed inevitable these days. His star power was evergrowing and people just wanted to have a piece of him. He was used to this by now, but he sometimes caught himself not understanding what they all saw in him. Yes, he loved acting, but he never signed up to sell his life to fame.  
Karen and some officials from the BFI send him down to the green room where all the cast and crew who participated in the Q&A today would meet and hang around until it was time to go on stage. Benedict was calm as he entered the green room, seeing he was the first one to arrive.  
"Mark and Steven are already doing some interviews right now in the other room, just separate ones, which has nothing to do with the screening today. So you still have some time before we actually begin, Mr. Cumberbatch." He heard one of the Officials in his ear, while Benedict nodded, seemingly being preoccupied with something else.  
"Could you tell me where the nearest restroom is." He fixed the door while smiling.  
"Of course Mr. Cumberbatch. Just straight down to your left."He nodded again, spoke a couple of words to Karen and then flew towards the door, walking straight down to get some privacy. He watched himself in the mirror, took a couple of deep breaths and saw his pupils become bigger and even darker. He blinked a couple of times and splashed himself some water onto his face. It was after all, all about looking fresh and happy. He could feel a change. The Pill started to kick in slowly but surely, his senses became sharper and he could feel the swish of the air and his muscles relax. He brushed his hair back and straightened his collar. He had to be honest, he looked absolutely fantastic today. Better than he ever did, and that was no coincidence. Everybody should see and feel how together he was and how much he enjoyed being at that stage of his career. It sometimes felt like he was a God. Untouchable. He smiled to himself in the mirror, ready to go back out again and this time is really ready for it. So he gave himself one last glance in the mirror and turned towards the door, as he was all of a sudden greeted by a swish of air again, and someone stumbling into the restroom and halting immediately as his eyes where catching who was standing right in front of him. 

Martin was about to make another step backward, feeling rather unsteady in his gate. It was like having met a ghost. A ghost from a distant past, though it has been just a couple of months. He fully looked now at the Men who was standing in front of him. He gasped a bit by the sheer shock to meet him that quickly and right away for not even having arrived fully.  
"hm...Hi. I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you." His voice was definitely not in control. His whole body wasn't. Benedict on the other hand, just waved his hand, after letting his eyes wander over the men in front of him.  
"You didn't. I was just on my way out. See you in a couple of minutes. We are all supposed to wait in the green room." His words sharp and clear. Ben smiled. Martin knew that smile. It was the full smile, that heartful one, where you just couldn't stare at anything else. Furthermore, Martin was utterly taken aback by his disposition.  
"Sure. hm,...are you ok?" He could have slapped himself for asking that question, but it was out before he could stop himself. Although they haven't seen each other in months, Martin could always tell when Benedict seemed off. And this time around, he seemed off, and on the other hand, oddly like the professional Benedict, he always has been. But how come he was so unfazed by seeing Martin again, while Martins body and soul were completely unsettled and he could feel himself being more uncomfortable with the whole situation than he had expected.  
"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" Benedict responded, turning his body towards the door while walking past Martin, not really waiting for a response.  
"Nevermind. I was just wondering, you seem..." Benedict turning in a swift motion towards Martin interrupting him, giving him an unwavering stare.  
"Martin, I'm great. See you in a bit." He said clearly again, giving Martin a subtle pat on the back before turning towards the door and leaving a totally gum-smacked Martin behind.

Martin puffed out a much-needed breath, he felt like he had been holding it since he stumbled into the restroom. what was that just now?  
I mean he was not completely unprepared, he knew that he would have to meet Benedict today, but that was all shades of odd. Benedict seemed completely fine. Like not even faced by what Martin went through since he found out about that event. He didn't expect Benedict to be a shell of himself, but he didn't even flinch meeting Martin. There was nothing in his eyes. Martin couldn't read any emotion what so ever.  
"What....." he tried to reason with himself, now him being the one turning towards the mirror looking at his reflection. He looked good, decent. Like he always did. Three piece suit in different colors, which this time around looked more casual compared to what Benedict was wearing. Benedict wore a black suit and a white shirt without a tie or a bow, but he looked absolutely fantastic. His hair was neatly styled, and his skin was glowing. He looked like he just had come from a three-week vacation.  
"Fuck." Martin spat and leaned his hands on either side of the sink, letting his head fall towards it. He was in big trouble if he would not pull himself together, keep his emotions in check. It had been almost 4 months, but it had hit him like it was yesterday, seeing Benedict standing there. Maybe he was overemotional and exaggerating this whole situation. Maybe Benedict was, as he had feared, over the whole thing a long time ago. Maybe he already had fallen madly in love with someone else and had long forgotten about what Martin and he had shared in that Hotel Room. Maybe he was a brainless, romantic Idiot. Maybe but surely he started to regret everything.  
Martin started to splash his face with water. He could do this if he tuned into his public self. the one that he put on when a camera was pointed towards him. Sitting next to Benedict for a couple of hours couldn't be that difficult of a task. Could it?


	9. You Do. Do I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the Q&A, Martin concentrated to not look into Bens direction, meaning whenever someone was talking he would direct his head towards that person, except when Ben himself was talking. It was obviously tempting to look at him all the time, but Martin felt like he wasn't allowed to do that any longer, especially all he would end up with was being really obvious about his admiration and everything that lay underneath it. He really didn't have to strength to do this today. He was desperately craving for space.

He was shifting in his seat, Ben's eyes were constantly on him while he was talking, letting his thoughts wander away, trying to focus on this damn event and this damn screening they've just seen. A brilliant episode, he will add to his resume, though he couldn't really concentrate on anything that was going on, knowing Ben was sitting right next to him, observing every little facial expression he did, while he tried to make himself relax more and ease into this gastly Q&A. How long did Jenny mention this thing would go on for again?  
"...so it basically became like a theatre performance while you were filming....." He heard coming from his left. Yes, he could remember those days. The times when he was carefree, bumbling around set, chatting with fans and looking up at him.   
"Yes,...yes it did. ehhmm" He tried to reply quickly. He couldn't hide his nervous ending there though. And oh my gosh, he was nervous to no end. Get a fucking grip Mr. Freeman. The more he would act like his usual self, the better this whole ordeal would be, and the sooner he would be out of that chair and back to his wife and kids. Safe.   
Not like this. Being stared at, judged by everyone and his eyes wandering all over him. An inch away. He literally could feel Benedicts breath on his cheek.  
"And is that weird?." that annoying voice of whoever her name was again. Stupid journalists.   
"It was like being at a premiere. Like being at a premiere and running lines." Benedicts eyes narrowed down to the ground.   
His voice was deep in agreement.   
"Yeah."

Martin's back was showered with tingles and a sensation he couldn't describe. He shifted again.  
"Yes. it was odd. It was not like doing a play, and not like filming either. It was a new genre of acting." He tried to smile, being met by that deep voice again.  
"Yeah. The what did I do in my days work genre of acting...." His head turning to Martin carefully. He nodded in approval. Even could belt out a slight laugh. Nodding his head vehemently. Benedict was good with that. He could put a smile on his face, no matter what state Martin was actually in.   
"And what are those crowds like, kind of when you get there. Is it quiet respectful, is it the squeeing, the throwing of items..." Martin had to chuckle a bit more now. What a stupid questions again. This journalist didn't really know what she was doing, did she. How tasteless to try to make them say something negative about their fans. Their fans were awesome. Martin could feel himself loosing up a bit, as he could feel Benedict chuckle throughout her question as well.  
"Go on..." He just said to Ben, before he could make himself stop. It just burst out of him. Ben seemed to catch on right away on what Martin was doing, and chuckled a bit more now.  
"No, No,....I want you to describe the crowd first."   
There it was. The drug was magical in that way. He really eased up and went right in. The banter they seemed to have lost all those months ago. Martin couldn't look him in the eye, just smiling to himself grabbing his water. Sitting so close to Benedict, making jokes and having that natural banter and chemistry, that always existed the first moment they met, he would not be able to look him in the eye now and not crack right there and then.   
"No, ok....no...." Martin couldn't have anticipated that, as he felt Benedict's hand feeling towards his back. He was actually touching his back in a soothing way, and Martin's heart was leaping out of his chest, and all his air lost in his throat.  
" You know well....." Benedict pulling his hand back the moment he realised what he had done so naturally, brushing his nose, trying to refocus.  
"incredibly respectful, very very tolerant and understanding of the filming process..." Martin tried to focus, listen to what Ben had to say but it became harder now. All the hair on his arms stood up. His body was at attention and he wouldn't be able to relax in his seat any longer. One touch was too much to set him off. He wanted that man so much, it hurt.   
"Very tolerant of us..." Martin threw in, basically saying anything to get his head straight, but in reality he wasn't able to. He missed this dynamic, and whatever Ben was doing - either trying to hurt him intentionally, or really being over the whole thing - it didn't change the fact that Martin was feeling numb.   
The rest of the Q&A, Martin concentrated to not look into Bens direction, meaning whenever someone was talking he would direct his head towards that person, except when Ben himself was talking. It was obviously tempting to look at him all the time, but Martin felt like he wasn't allowed to do that any longer, especially all he would end up with was being really obvious about his admiration and everything that lay underneath it. He really didn't have to strength to do this today. He was desperately craving for space.   
Benedict on the other hand, couldn't be more comfortable with this whole situation, cause the drug was doing his job for him. Whatever question would come next, he could answer it with clearity.

"First of All. We keeping it a family affair. we got Mary, the introduction of Mary. I think everybody is very much loving Mary." A loud cheer was bursting through the room. Martin was smiling,...forcibly. At this point, he really had to put his acting mask on. Amanda was the perfect Mary, but he really didn't want to talk about that right now. Not in front of him. But,....as fate would have it,...Ben was cheering on with the crowd, clapping and smiling and being seemingly very happy about everything.   
The annoying journalist obviously wanted more details, so Martin started to babble on.   
"What's it like on set. If they have an argument, and everybody is kind of like, Oh no it's a domestic." He laughed fakely.  
"Amanda and I never argue." Martin caught himself saying it again so quickly before realising his true meaning. Ben just looking at him, smiling and being seemingly fond of everything that came out of Martin's mouth.   
"13 years and we have never even spoken to each other." The crowd went bezirk with laughter. He had to chuckle to himself yet again.   
"This is the first time we officially met." Ben's eyes were narrowing down again, while keeping his smile dead fast.   
"I mean we obviously, we do row. But we try not to at work, and like everybody else, we love this show. And Amanda was delighted to be in it and I was delighted to have her around...." Ben interrupting.  
"...and you were delightful with her." No smile, nothing. Martin was really looking at him for the first time. Shit. He could feel that stark pain in his chest, zipping at it and slowly make him get any noise out before he was getting ready to leave this stage.  
"Yeah,...ehm,....thank you." He mumbled under his breath, Benedict was just nodding, keeping his stare towards anything else but Martin's eyes. A loud AWwwww sound was waving through the crows. They were like pudding in their hands, or more Benedicts hands. He was a master of likeability today. Nothing could hold him back it seemed. He was a force of charm, that nobody really could resist. Martin was under his spell-like everybody else.   
And the longer this session would go on, the more Martin could feel himself crumble. The pull towards the magnetic energy on the man sitting next to him was way too strong.   
"Martin do you not have a chinese nickname yet." He was amused.  
"No, I don't think...." Ben cutting him again.  
"You do. You do." His eyes laying on him. And for the first time Martins eyes was looking back. Not wavering. At there was his first mistake. He looked him in the eye.   
"Do I." He just said, getting lost.  
"Fashion." Benedict announced proudly.   
"Fashion. Really." He smiled enthusiastically.   
"That's what I've been told." Ben added, looking at him so proudly and warmly, Marin wanted to jump out of his seat. HIs heart leaping again. His face getting redder. He could feel the warmth creeping up now. Benedict making a grande gesture with his hands, announcing yet again to the world.  
"Fashion." Martin smiling so openly now. When was he ever feeling like this. Like on top of the world.   
"Wow. ok...." He pulled his eyes away from Benedict, rubbing his leg.  
"Just a one name nickname. I'd like that China." Ben added, teasing.  
"I get sort of a dick head, but qualified, but he's alright. And Martin gets Fashion." Martin was at tears of laughter. Ben was being hilarious and teasing. The banter was back on.   
"Martin do you like Fashion. Cause this is the one time we can put messages out there and if you don't like either of your nicknames, we can just say I'd like to have..."   
Martin went in, he was getting started now, pushed by Ben's laughter.  
"Fashion is alright with me. You don't like yours though Ben, cause yours can be shorter." He looked right at him, while Benedict was grabbing his glass of water, smiling to himself.   
"Oh no, I love mine. I love it." Ben said with an exaggerated voice, looking back at Martin, with that smile again that would get Martin every single time. Were they flirting now. What was Ben actually doing here. What was Martin doing here. This seemed way to intimate. He chuckled. He couldn't help himself. This man was unbelievable. Ben's eyes lingering on him now for far too long.


	10. I know you better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Benedict felt his heart beating in his chest widely. The drug was definitely doing its job. He felt alive and on cloud nine and that smile wouldn't fade away at any point. He was just in a good fucking mood.  
> "Benedict, how nice to see you and Martin back together on screen. Fans have been really waiting for your return, especially the two of you together. What do you think makes this chemistry between you and Martin as actors so incredibly thrilling to watch?" Ben's heart was leaping, but he didn't have to think, as his tongue was doing all the work for him before he really could think deeply about the question.

It was an odd atmosphere as the Sherlock crew left the stage, and the fans were still screaming for Martin and Ben to come over and sign autographs and pictures. Not mere moments ago Martin felt like he was sent to hell, being forced to sit next to Benedict in front of an audience, however, now he felt like he was on cloud nine again. The fans were showering them with praise and love and he literally felt invincible, like he always had felt when he stood next to Benedict. He felt alive and very similar to his character John Watson. It was incredibly scary how life imitated art, and how Sherlock's and John's relationship was slowly mirroring Martin's and Ben's relationship. So here he was again, getting a taste of how he could be feeling all the time. It was at his fingertip, he just had to grab for it. But it was never that easy, was it?  
"Oh my god. You did marvelous guys. You were incredible out there." The first person to greet them. Their publicists, managers, and assistants. All of a sudden Benedict was surrounded by people smiling and answering questions as they were ushered towards the press line of journalists, Jenny guiding Martin towards the first person with a microphone, who was eager to talk to the actor, like everyone else. It sunk in for Martin more and more, how massively famous they've become over those couple of years since they started filming the first season.   
Especially Benedict has skyrocketed to global fame. Girls were obsessed with him and people generally were intrigued by the men who seemed the genuine Sherlock so perfectly. It was sometimes even jaw-dropping for Martin to comprehend how different Benedict actually was from the character Sherlock Holmes. It just proved how good of an actor he actually was. 

Benedict felt his heart beating in his chest widely. The drug was definitely doing its job. He felt alive and on cloud nine and that smile wouldn't fade away at any point. He was just in a good fucking mood.  
"Benedict, how nice to see you and Martin back together on screen. Fans have been really waiting for your return, especially the two of you together. What do you think makes this chemistry between you and Martin as actors so incredibly thrilling to watch?" Ben's heart was leaping, but he didn't have to think, as his tongue was doing all the work for him before he really could think deeply about the question.   
"Well. We had the chance over many years now to build a foundation of trust and honesty...." Benedict had to laugh to himself. That was complete bullshit. The only thing that was honest about the two of them was that there was nothing real and honest about them.   
"...so we actually are really proud of what we achieved with the characters and that it translates to the audience too, which shows that we enjoy working together and how much we love these characters and the show. I mean, I'm sure I can speak for Martin as well, that I have to thank this show and everyone involved for giving me an opportunity like that. My career, I guess everyone's careers have been massively influenced by the success and appreciation. So yeah, I'll always be grateful for the chemistry that we have as actors and ultimately as people, cause that what it boils down to in the end,....how well you get on with the person and how comfortable you are with each other, and yes Martin and I are very comfortable with each other..." The minute Ben said that last sentence he could have bit his tongue. What on earth did that have to do with anything? And furthermore, the last thing they were right now, was being comfortable with each other.   
"Thanks, Ben." He was ushered to the end of the press line, giving more thoughtless answers on how amazing and exciting the third season was going to be. Karen was standing behind him, looking at her watch and tracking Ben's press line. Martin, on the other hand, was behind him, trying to keep up with the journalists and finding a way to not give away to many spoilers. 

By the end, both of them were exhausted, in fact, the whole crew, meaning Steve, Mark, Jeremy, Sue, Martin, and Ben gathered in the Lobby waiting for cars, or generally waiting to get ushered out of the building. Martin was trying his best to not look at Benedict, but he failed time and time again, and sneaked some glances at the younger men, trying not to be too obvious. Benedict obviously noticed but was way too wired to give it a second thought, until he could feel Martin's presence to the left side of him while he was in heave conversation with Ann Johnson, one of the executives from the BBC.  
"Hi Ann, so good to see you." Martin went in with a force, which Ben hadn't seen before in him. He seemed to be eager to get into their conversation, or rather, eager to interrupt.  
"Hi, gorgeous. Good job today, we are very pleased."   
Martin giggled slightly, while he could feel Bens body turning towards him. He got his undivided attention. Good.  
"Thanks, Lovely. I did my best. You know how much I displease these Q&A sessions."   
Ann was amused and looked between the two.  
"Oh stop it. You know you love them. Look how pleased Benedict looks." Martin turned towards him now, daring to actually look at the man, anticipating a slightly unhappy look, but it was quite the opposite, Benedict was beaming. His smile was never fading.  
"I'm very pleased indeed. That's good promotion for us. Can't wait for the reviews." Wow. Martin really didn't expect that. That really didn't sound like Benedict at all. Something was definitely off. Good promotion? Really?.  
"Didn't think you two would need the promo, darling. The show it's selling itself at this point." Ann added and seemed to be eager to chat away, but Martin had other plans.   
"Ben. Could we talk for a second in private." Martin was asking now bluntly, the concern in his eyes while looking back and forth between Ben and Ann. Benedict's glance was now turning into something completely different. He was fixating Martin, puffed out some air and put that smile back on again. It took him a second there to respond.  
"Sure." Martin nodded as he could feel the sweat creeping up, the blood slowly rising to his head. His heart leaping again. Why the fuck did he do that to himself.   
"Ann would you excuse us." Martin tried to be discreet while trying not to raise awareness towards himself and Benedict. Ann seemed oblivious, shrugging her shoulders.  
"Of course. Go ahead. Will catch the two of you by the end of the week anyway." She was laughing. Oh yes, the interviews. They were a whole bunch of press still to do for Sherlock season 3. Gladly, the screening would be the only one scheduled were they had to appear together. From now on, Martin and Ben would be having separate interviews, meaning separate press work. 

Martin was leading the way, while Benedict kept some space and was walking behind him, one hand in the pocket of his trousers and his head directing towards the floor. With the effect of the drug still in his system, he didn't feel agitated or that he had the need to run away. he actually felt incredibly stoked and hyped up after the Q&A. The rush that came with people treating you like some God was excillerating.   
They were walking in silence until Martin found an empty conference room, Ben always behind him, closing the door while Martin was looking around the room, seemingly pleased that it seemed to be completely empty.  
"Right. You wanted to talk. Shoot." Benedict was waltzing in like a firegun. Martin really seemed to be caught of guard by that. Ben's behavour seemed just off, like he was not himself.  
"Are you okay." He started slowly, while Benedict was letting out a sigh, looking around the room, before he grabbed one of the chairs and made himself comfortable on it.  
"We're sitting now, okay." Martin commented, while grabbing a chair now, too.   
"I just want to be comforable, if this is going to be a longer conversation. But yet again, I'm great. You've been asking for the second time now." Ben's voice was firm but friendly. There was no emotion in his voice though. Martin looked closely. His eyes didn't show any emotion either. Ben looking back, tracking Martin's thoughts. He knew were the older man wanted to take that conversation but tried to cut it short before he had the chance to begin again.  
"Listen, Martin. I know what you're trying to do. And I just can assure you, that I...." Martin cut through.  
"There's no such thing than assure anything...is there...cause..." Martin paused and looked ever closer now, scanning Ben from head to toe.  
"You are high as a kite" Ben was trying to say something immediately but his voice didn't want to produce any sound. How? How could he know?   
"Don't try to deny it. I know you better than most people, so it doesn't take much for me to notice when something is off." Again. No sound. The only thing he could do was stare at him.


	11. Your assumptions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You heard me." Martin was trying to stay calm, but his heart was beating so mercilessly against his chest, it was becoming impossible to stay calm now. Benedict staring at him, in that way made it even worse. God, this man was unbelievable. Ben looked down at his feet and paused. The drug usually should be working in his favor, but in this instance he had no clever come back, or was able to brush Martin's words off his shoulders.

"Why would you do something so stupid." He couldn't believe it. Benedict was actually doing drugs now. Was that the reality of their situation.   
Ben was clenching his hands and smiled at Martin. It was one of the smiles that said, don't mess with me today.  
"You don't understand anything, And quite honestly, it is none of your business anyways. I agreed to talk to you, cause otherwise it would look strange and people would start to wonder, especially Ann with her big mouth would blabber on and in no time there would be another rumor about our relationship in the tabloids." Ben paused there for a minute, letting his eyes roam over Martin.

"I told you and I stand by my word, the only thing that concerns our relationship, is business. I don't have any intention to talk about the past. So whatever it is you want to say, go ahead, but don't expect to get an answer." Martin was furious, he was clenching his fists, and he started to walk around the room like he always did when he couldn't control a situation.  
"I knew that something was off. I knew it the moment I stepped into that bathroom,....and you are not even trying to hide it." Benedict wasn't even flinching. He kept his cool. The drugs did that for him. He was at ease, nothing could stir his mood or disposition, and Martin knew that he had to play it cool if he wanted to get something out of him. Benedict was just completely emotionless.  
"There's nothing to hide. You can twist and turn it all you want, but not everything is about you. My life doesn't revolve around you, when are you getting it through your thick brain. I don't care. Not anymore. Not ever." Benedict said it with such ease. It hit Martin right were it hurt. But he knew that Ben wasn't himself.   
"I understand. You don't care so much, that you have to pump yourself full of drugs, so you're able to look me in the eyes, is that right." No flinching again, just a smile. Ben was tugging at the sleeves of his blazer.  
"You are quite the narcissist, aren't you. If you haven't heard the first time, not everything I do is because of you. And if you've dragged me all the way down here to lecture me on drug use, then thanks very much, but I am not interested." Benedict stood up from his chair, intending to leave. Martin's face was flushed in red. He didn't really know what to say or do to stop Benedict from leaving this room.   
"You hate me that much, do you?" Well,...He said the right thing there, cause Benedict halted in his step and looked towards his direction. His body was sideways, one half turned towards the smaller men, the other to the door.  
"what.." His voice wasn't as firm anymore as he would have liked.   
"You heard me." Martin was trying to stay calm, but his heart was beating so mercilessly against his chest, it was becoming impossible to stay calm now. Benedict staring at him, in that way made it even worse. God, this man was unbelievable. Ben looked down at his feet and paused. The drug usually should be working in his favor, but in this instance he had no clever come back, or was able to brush Martin's words off his shoulders. He couldn't say anything if he was completely honest, except...  
"I know what you're trying to do Martin, but I'll tell you now, it won't work this time around." Martin was frowning, looking incredulous and a bit caught off guard. His eyes turning a different colour now.  
"What do you mean. what's going on?" Benedict now fully turned towards him, one hair brushing through his hair. And here it was. That was the Benedict he knew. The one that would fiddle through his hair when he was super nervous. The drugs wearing off then? Or was Martin just pressing the right buttons?  
"You know exactly what I mean. You are trying to manipulate me like you always have. I was stupid,...stupid to ever think you were worth caring about."   
Martin lost his breath. He looked down to pause while Benedict was fully turning towards him. His face still flushed and his fists clenching he walked closer to Benedict and looked up to that angelic face. He knew there was no way in hell, that he could turn this around. He didn't know if those words were honest or just trying to hurt him as much as possible.   
"Throwing it back in my face. Clever, but not so clever. I'm worth caring about when it suits your needs. I'm sure you already found a substitute." He knew it was a hunch, but that was on his mind for a whole while. Benedict kept his face from showing any emotion. He had to try hard now because he felt that he was nervous, especially the proximity they were it. Martin was coming closer with every single word.   
"Don't bother. You live your life and I live mine. But yes, I am very happy right now." Martin nodded. They were playing a game of back and forth, throwing the ball back and forth, like tennis. But there were tensions, Martin definitely could feel that although everything was said and done between them, he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something left to say.   
"Good. That's good. You're happy. Tits on drugs and happy. I can see what makes you happy."   
Ben taking a step back, his smile slowly appearing on his face again.   
"Make your assumptions. I'm feeling incredible. As you might have noticed, these people out there love me. They worship me. So as far as I am concerned, I'm over the moon about that. I'm at the hight of my career, let me enjoy it, why don't you."  
Martin was shaking his head internally. Frustrated as ever, and without any clue what to do. Benedict could be stubborn, but this was a different ball game altogether. He was a brick wall, that kept Martin well away.  
"Right, Benedict. You are the best and the greatest. Enjoy yourself while it lasts. I'm sure you keep great company with all the money-hungry models on your arm. You've got it clearly all figured out. You really don't need me to lecture you about the pitfalls of fame and success." Martin was at a loss. He didn't really know what to say. Benedict won that game of tennis, but for Martin, it was deadly serious. He was shattered inside.  
"You don't get to be jealous, Martin." He was slightly caught off by that, but at the same time, it showed a bit of emotion. Ben cared. Martin knew as much.  
"I'm not jealous. I'm angry." Benedict huffed, sheerly getting more amused about the situation.  
"I can see that. You made your bed and now you don't want to lie in it. Your frustration has nothing to do with me though. I'm not taking drugs and I have not become a different person just because of what happened a couple of months back. I am the same person you met that first time at the table read, and I will not change. I haven't changed that I can assure you. So there must be something else. We both know what the situation is, we don't have to pretend. So I don't understand why you are angry."   
Martin's pupils were dilated, he could definitely make that out. Martin was not only angry, but he was also yearning. He was yearning for this right here. Him. Nothing else. There was really no logic in it at all.  
"You're possibly right, but you made your bed as well. And from what I can see, we are both ticking time bombs that will explode at a certain point. There's just so much I can take Ben, and you being high is the last thing I thought about before coming here. So, excuse me if my anger is confusing you as jealousy. Cause I would never be jealous of the life you lead at the moment." Benedict laughs out loud at that, clapping his hands together.  
"Come on. You would jump at the opportunity. No family, no boundaries, no responsibilities. Don't tell me this is not what you want." Martin came closer again, although his body was already turned towards the door.  
"Believe it or not. I would not want to switch with you. I love Grace and Joe, and I love Amanda. I will always love my family. There's no single fiber in my body that won't kill for either one of them, no matter what my heart desires, this love is rock solid. You wouldn't understand because you don't have a family to care for." Low. Lower. Martin Freeman. That's exactly how Benedict felt about this whole situation. Why was he doing this to himself again? Being in the same room with the one man who is able to have that impact on him.   
"Yes. That's right. but it eats at you, doesn't it. You know I'm not stupid, Martin. You bringing me in here, pretending to talk about me being high or not myself, while I'm thinking why the fuck is he that bothered in the first place. Well, the truth is nothing has changed for you since Bristol, has it. You are right back where you started, but this time it is even worse because you start to realize that I was right. I was right with everything. I don't want your concern, neither do I want to listen to how much you love Amanda and the kids,....because you know why. I DON'T CARE. When are finally willing to understand that I'm over it. I....am....over...you." While Benedict was talking he was closing in on Martin, on Martin's face to be precise. And Martin was not moving an inch. He was frozen on the spot not willing to even blink, cause he feared that he would just drop to the floor if he would.   
Once Benedict was so close to Martins' face that he could feel his breath on his neck, he made sure to look him right in the eyes. In those ocean deep blue eyes. Fuck, why did those eyes still had the same effect on him when he came closer.   
Martin felt like he was holding his breath. He didn't know what to do or where to look, so he kept his eyes on Benedict's.


	12. Ticking time bombs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin's voice came in a low tone and was cracking at the end, it was almost like a whisper. He could feel a shiver running down his spine. What was going on with him right now? Benedict's eyes were burning holes into him. They were sharp like razor blades, and Martin tried his best to breathe normally, but he couldn't. He felt like any tiny movement would set this whole thing off. They were indeed ticking time bombs, ready to explode.

"That's right. You are..." Martin's voice came in a low tone and was cracking at the end, it was almost like a whisper. He could feel a shiver running down his spine. What was going on with him right now? Benedict's eyes were burning holes into him. They were sharp like razor blades, and Martin tried his best to breathe normally, but he couldn't. He felt like any tiny movement would set this whole thing off. They were indeed ticking time bombs, ready to explode.  
"Don't ever dare to talk to me about this ever again. Do you understand." Martin didn't even know who was standing in front of him anymore. Ben was sharp, yes, but he was also in a way scary. Martin never knew that side of him, that very dangerous side. He didn't know how to respond really or where to look. All he could see were those light green eyes looking sternly at him. 

"Don't worry, Benedict. We're done.......for good." He barely could get the words out, cause the younger men were poking holes into his eyes. His voice was breaking. His breath was quicking and his heart was beating out of his chest. He could feel himself sweating and he could feel himself becoming faint. It was a feeling sheer lightheadedness. The kind where you didn't know what was real anymore. He hoped this wasn't real. He didn't want to part ways like this, never like this.  
"Good.......That's good." Benedict's voice was breaking now as well, slightly at the edges there. Martin knew that he couldn't be the only one who felt the impact of that decision. Being done for good meant that there was no turning back. Benedict was under a lot of pressure. He was spiraling, as much as he tried to hide it in front of Martin. He could see that he had lost control.   
"Go take another fix, Benedict. You need it." Martin's voice was not steady at all. He looked into those eyes, seeing the wide black pupils getting even wider and there was no doubt in his mind - The man who stood in front of him was on some kind of a drug. Not something he was familiar with, but something that made his senses sharper and his emotion were dormant. Something that wasn't cocaine or morphine - something far more intelligent and advanced. Martin had no idea about drugs, he never dealt with them, even more, it completely shocked him that such an intelligent guy like Benedict would ever allude to them.   
"Don't assume and don't talk about things you got no idea about. You know nothing about what I am going through."   
Martin nodded.  
"All I know from what I am seeing in the media is that you became this Hollywood Bachelor who's constantly changing women and partying all the time. How is this the Benedict that I met at that first table read? They are two completely different people, meaning you're different and changed into this person that I hardly know anything about. So don't tell me you haven't changed."  
It took Benedict a second there to reply whilst he brushed a hand through his hair.  
"It's because you know nothing. NOTHING. You can't possibly imagine how it feels to be me"  
Those last words were essential. Martin was taking a pause as well now, just looking at the man in front of him. Being aware of every little detail. And he was desperate. Desperate to know what was going on. It was so clear that he was hiding something.  
"Then tell me. Please. Just tell me."  
Ben didn't move. He just looked back at Martin with an emptiness in his eyes that was unsettling.   
"I beg you, Benedict. Tell me. You might hate me for everything that I've done to you, but after everything,...."  
Ben's voice came quickly and sharp and.  
"You know well enough, that I am incapable of hating you. Even if I tried, and trust me I tried hard,......I can't hate you."  
There it was. Something real. Something closer to the truth than anything else that they were dancing around it. Martin was getting even closer now, trying to invade Ben's personal space. Ben was not moving an inch.   
"Then talk to me. Please. I might not be fully able to comprehend how it feels to be you, but I'm sure I can relate."  
He tried, He tried so hard not to be too close.   
"How?"  
Martin smiled a bit now, looking down at his feet and up to those gorgeous green eyes.  
"For starters, I know how it feels like to want something so desperately, but can't have it. How it can rip you apart. How you lie awake at night, wishing you could change the things you've said or done, just to be a little closer to the thing you want most."   
Benedict huffed a breath out, a faded smile now appearing on his face as well, even if it was faint. Just slightly Martin could feel that Ben was feeling more comfortable with the situation.  
"You believe I want something then..."  
He nodded.  
"I believe you do. Or still does. At least one tiny part of me still hopes that you do."

Ben looked past him into space now, trying to look for the right words. His brain was fully functioning again. The effects of the drug wearing off then? He felt assailable.  
"I want things. I want a lot of things. What I never wanted was to be in a situation where I feel I can't breathe anymore, where I feel like I'm suffocating and slowly dying.......And I look around and no one takes notice. No one questions me or second guesses because I'm an actor - We both are."  
Martin nodded again. That's all he could do really. Just nodding and trying not to think about fucked up this whole thing was.   
"I've been doing this for a long time, and every time I feel like I'm getting better, you waltz in and make it sound so easy. I told you what I need.....I need to be away from you. Away from Sherlock, just away from......"  
Benedict stuttered. Not knowing how to phrase it.  
"....the thing you can't have."   
Martin finished.  
"Yes. I need to breathe again, and having you around,...I can't."  
Oh my God. Martin took a large breath in, turning on his heel and brushing one hand over his face. He had to be honest. This was hard and difficult to hear.   
"I'm sorry if I made you feel like this. You hopefully know that I never wanted it to be like this."   
That's all he could think off really. He never wanted any of this. Benedict was right. He was right with everything. Annoyingly like always, Benedict was the better man. The one who was sharp and smart and never did anything to his disadvantage.   
"Well,....it is what it is. and the sooner we accept it the better off we are."  
Martin looked away for a moment. His feet seemed to be interesting right now. Anything else than being haunted by those green eyes that were rejecting him yet again.   
"It is what it is."  
He was saying more to himself then back to Benedict.  
"Just tell me, Benedict. I just want to hear the truth, just this once. Did you take drugs before coming here"  
Benedict didn't hesitate.  
"I did."  
"Why did you take it"  
Martin was inquisitive now. He tried to get as much information as possible to assess Ben's current state.  
"Does it matter."  
"Of course it matters."  
He was adamant. He knew there was nothing to talk about any longer. Both said what was necessary with one last thing to evaluate.  
"It's nothing that makes you incoherent or high in the true sense, also it wears off quicker. It just heightens your senses, makes you more focused and sharp and avoids emotional influences. Lots of people take it to get through a ton of work."   
The way Ben said that made him sound exactly like Sherlock Holmes. Fucking Art imitating reality.  
"And you think that's the way forward?"  
Ben waved his hand and started to chuckle a bit. Was he amused by this?  
"You are not taking this seriously, are you."

Ben walked around Martin, in the direction towards the door.  
"I am serious. You and Me, we shouldn't even be talking to each other. It is what it is, and that's how I like to keep it. If you want to talk to me about my "drug addiction..." Ben was doing air quotes, being amused.   
"...then let's wait until we're on set again, where you are John and I'm Sherlock, cause that's the one with the drug problem, not me." Martin nodded yet again.   
"Let's pretend we are like John and Sherlock, which we are not, cause these two they're not able to last one minute without each other. You are not Sherlock, and I am not John." He clarified, looking towards the door where Benedict stood impatiently.   
"Right. I agree." He still didn't move to leave. Martin was not waiting. Looking towards Ben who just stood there, looking back at him.  
"Just leave," Martin said while Benedict was still looking at him not making a single move to open the door. He could feel every nerve in his body, telling him to push that handle down, but his body was transfixed. He looked at the man who looked so utterly exhausted with everything. So exhausted and yet so exhilarated. The rationality that was making him walk to the door in the first place seemed to disappear. He just didn't want to leave the room. He wanted to be with him as long as they were both allowed to.   
"Leave Ben." Martin's voice was broken. He was pleading now with him. Pleading to not tempt him.


End file.
